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Week 4 |
| Week 4 As I move into week Four, I find I want to move "too fast", even in this activity. This week I will take time to look at those who truly "inspire" me by their ability to stay in the moment. And, by doing so, I will find the balance I require in my "life's symphony". this is the last day of the 4th week for me. god bless all of you who are out there. initially i had a rush of thoughts of people in my own life who have inspired me and i listed the names and could see how blessed i have been . then i decided to look at the lives of saints because from my background i know very little about them or about the qualities which have led to sainthood and by tonight i am delighted with the uncommonsense of what i have been reading. my life seems a not very successful life in worldly goods. i havent formed a relationship with a man and there seem to me to have been some great failures . but as the week passed and i read more - i became increasingly peaceful. i know its not about ' good deeds' . or even kindness or even service of itself. i am just chasing butterflies wiht a net here - just catching glimpses of something which then is gone. leaving me with only a sense of something beautiful. ! my children and grandchildren move away this week. and i have some peace with that ( execpt when i think about it ) _ the indifference . so far in my life hasnt led me astray. and wont now. what i glimpse at 56 is being at peace within the calling from god which is mine. whether its sitting here on my hill looking out over the world . unseen by others . whether its with my little grandaughters or sitting in the back of my meetings of aa. i have a legacy of illnesses from years of drug addiction and they cause me pain and distress but i begin to see that they serve other purposes. my mother used to speak of our DRUTHERS ( i would rather .... ) and she had a calmness. if she didnt get her Druthers - it didnt matter. they were just Druthers. i was also thinking of my son when he was little - and had a new stepmother who was a far better cook and housekeepr than i am. one day when he came b! ack from a visit and his sister and me and him were reading Lord of the Rings in bed on mattresses on the floor of our living room - he said "i see . your Lord of the Rings is J's baked dinner " . so for me the theme of the week has been that there is no ' right or wrong' so to speak in the people who inspire me. the element is that they are true to their calling. so one may live in rags and sleep in the gutters of rome and one may be wealthy or speak to 1000s of people but each is true somehow to the calling of their god. some are gentle and some are wild. some are soft and some are loud. so this 4th week ends for me and autumn is just beginning for us here on the tweed. i am about to be here in this area where i have only been for 5 years and i shall be here without any family members or career or partner and no visible 'purpose' for being here. im so glad i found the retreat to accompany into this strange new time . it is giving me direction and a sense of travelling with companions. love to you all , Nell This week has led me to a haunting old meditation, 'The Lord is your shepherd, you shall not want', but Leigh, what do you want and why do you want it? I still want. And those wants inform so much of who I am. My wants tell me so much about where I am and where I am still so 'attached'. Great week. Loved the gallery. -- Leigh Ignatius told us what we need to do to be in balance - indifferent - I saw this in a new way this week as I began to understand that I am not totally indifferent. I desire the grace to freely say from the depth of my being, "take Lord, all I am". I want to be able to say that it does not matter health or sickness, riches or poverty, honor or dishonor. I desire only what God desires for me. Lord, my God, help make real this desire in me. Last week’s directive to focus on how we are called to “praise, revere and serve God” kept translating into the Baltimore Catechism dictum, “to know him, serve him and to love him.” We have all heard this so many times that I had trouble coaxing any new meaning or “perspective” out of it. This week was different. Remembering models of those who live up to the call to “praise, revere and serve” or “know him, serve him, love him” is easy and pleasurable. One could simply start with Butler’s Lives of the Saints and go from there. My own life has been touched by St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, St. Maximilian Kolbe, St. Frances Xavier Cabrini and St. Joan of Arc, to name but a few. But this week also gave me the opportunity to reflect on more “hidden” lives that exemplify a hearty response to Christ’s call to live the Gospel. I have been grateful to remember a former pastor, who went to his reward this year, as well as a baseball coach and a teenage friend of my daughter. All are models of holiness that I strive to emulate. So are my wife and children. Tom, Pennsylvania I started this week a little resistant to this exercise. Maybe part of this was wanting too much to hold onto the fruit of last week and another just plain resistance to noticing myself. At any rate, it took me longer to get in. Do I know my saints well enough? Do I confuse people I admire for their skills or because they’ve helped me more than I notice their freedom? What helped me was thinking about a conversation Liz and I had this summer with our good friends M and B. Both are tireless workers for social justice and M works as an advocate for the handicapped. M spends quite a bit of time herself looking after her sister who is quite severely handicapped and lives in a group home. Her brother had gotten into trouble some years ago and had been in prison. Anyway, as we were catching up as friends do on a wonderful summer evening, we found out that her brother had gotten into trouble again and had his parole revoked. M makes weekly or more frequent visits 60 miles away where he is incarcerated. My first thought was … this is incredibly unfair. How can someone who is so tireless at helping others and reaching out unselfishly have another burden imposed on them? Maybe I said something like that openly. M replied that in her work she encountered many parents of severely handicapped children and she observed they were normal people who just got on with it. “That’s what you have to do … just face it and do what you have to do”. I thought at the time that this was a special witness of faith and courage even though it was said almost as a matter of fact. The when I think of the saints I admire and I feel have touched me in some way (e.g. St Ignatius, St Vincent de Paul, St Francis, St Francis de Sales) I see a common pattern that they are all well organized at facing life and in some way getting on with it. When I also think of people who have influenced me and represent for me people who praise, revere and serve I see this as a theme. They use whatever is in front of them and wholeheartedly approach the situation. Some of these people are extremely courageous but others are simple exponents of being able to accept that God works through them although they may never quite articulate it like that. So I thank God for wherever He is leading me in this week’s meditation. I see again the burning social justice themes which have motivated me at various times in my life. But most of all I see that God calls me to see Him in whatever situation I am in and use whatever gifts he has given me for that situation. This is something I am still discerning. Week 4 - This has been an
enjoyable week of reflection. Listing the people that have inspired
me in my lifetime has been a pleasure. There were about 8 people that
came to mind for me, however, I'm only sharing on a few today. Last week was difficult as I came to terms with the disharmony I allow in my life. As I begin week 5, I brace myself for what I anticipate to be a difficult week and instead, I am flooded with images of God’s mercy. His mercy shines in all our Catholic Faith traditions; through all of the sacraments. I received a strong image of Jesus being transparent so that God can only see my sin through Jesus’ love. I am incredibly grateful to have received this gift. I pray for all of us on this online journey, that God will continue drawing us closer to His love and His plan for our lives. I have spent much time praying for good health, an increase of faith, for my children to return to Jesus, for my friends to return to good health. 'Indifference' is new to me and I am unsure how to let go of some prayers and concentrate on praying for the gift of 'indifference'. Will this come as I keep centered on letting go? During this 4th week of the excercises I decided to see Mel Gibson´s film of the Passion, I had been reluctant to see it before. It was really helpful to focus on evil and Redemption. Week 4: What a week.The birth of my first grandchild, my son in the Air Force finally home( within 2 hrs drive time) and I was the lector this Sunday. Then I met Bert who was ordained as a Deacon. A model provided to me for this week. He even quoted Ignatius during his sermon. He was an inspiration to me and most of the assembly. I had the opportunity to be better. Thank you for my free will. I had a chance to touch 2 people today, just in a daily walk. I could feel the power in just being a godly instrument. What power.... I am exhausted now and will pray comfortably tonight. Week 4: When I thought of someone who had been my model, memory came back. I used to be a very quiet child when I was small. One day, someone asked me if I would like to have a pen-friend and I said yes. I started to write and shared a lot of my life with her. It was a great help for me because I could express myself and there was someone listening to me. At home, I had nobody to talk to. When I look back now, I believe it's God's grace to have this person to accompany me at that particular period. Glory be to the Lord! Week Four: The people that inspire me most are those who are the most humble. These people are those who are kind to others without expecting anything in return. These are the people who do not look for great fan fare. These are the people who give of themselves and their generousity unconditionally. These are the true deciples of God who do such nice acts of kindness on a daily basis freely and spontaneously. My major attachments seem pretty predictable and mundane. But I was struck by something this evening. My oldest son was showing me the chairs he set up in the "tree fort" and I suddenly realized how I've left the kids out of our planning for a possible move. I realized, "He may not have a tree fort if we move." In fact, it's likely that he won't. I guess I discovered that I'm pretty attached to "getting my way" with this move based on a desire to return to graduate studies. I'm not planning on dropping that idea, but it does have me thinking about how much I take the rest of the family into consideration. WWID (what would ignatius do)? Week 4 My first Sharing and 1st Jesuit retreat, and just entering the 4th Week. I had this prior experience/impression of being in a spiritual desert, and was putting one foot in front of the other during this retreat: the old Merrill's Marauders line. It's been two years since last cancer treatment and the words in the reflections and prayers of this 4th Week feel like they fit well. I have now finished my fourth week of the Retreat. It was a nice week as I focused on those who are/have been inspirations to me. Each of the persons on my list really do have a certain 'freedom'. It was equally nice to be able to focus on the fact that it IS possible to have this 'freedom'. This freedom is probably what I admired in them all along but do not think that I ever termed it as 'freedom'. In those on my list whom I have personally known, I have witnessed the kindness, care, and concern that these people have exhibited to myself and others and I truly admire that. They are/were willing to go beyond themselves to be there for others. They do/did not worry about what others will think of them and are/were generous beyond what is expected of them. They have truly been the face of Christ on earth for me as they model the way of Christ. I also know that I have a ways to go because there are still parts of my symphony that are out of balance that prevent me from operating in this mode of 'freedom'. But these people have inspired me to follow their example. I know that I have been blessed by having these beautiful people in my life. As I read the reflections and prayed this week for freedom and indifference, I realize the question isn't 'how much or what am I willing to give up'; but rather, 'How much or what am I willing to receive'. The dance of surrendering to receiving is at the core of this week's prayer. It seems harder and takes more freedom to receive the gifts than to give up something. There was a beautiful red sunrise the other morning. The awesome splendor of the Lord was present in the stillness of the morning. I was thanking God for His blessings, for His harmony with man and nature but also praying for those who do not or cannot experience His majestic beauty. I praise you Lord Jesus and offer prayers for all those taking this retreat. Thank you. Just beginning week 4 of the retreat, and I'm struggling with a mistake I made last week which is causing me great shame. My marriage has been in turmoil and approaching separation since July (after 10 years of marriage), and I'm thankful that God led me to this retreat and other resources that have truly helped me to grow spiritually in the face of all of that. I've felt that no matter what was thrown at me, I've been able to face it with God's help and have been growing as a person and a child of God during these past months of hardship... I've been praying sincerely that God would take a hand in our attempts at reconcilliation and I've resisted several "close calls" at separation, so maybe this is God's way of forcing the issue and maybe that's what needs to happen for His divine plan to come to fruition, but still I'm sick at heart with guilt at having done something so stupid that has ended up hurting the person that I love dearly, whether or not that hurt is rational or irrational. This week's exercise struck me in that my greatest desire has been for the love of my husband to be restored to me. Perhaps this is the thing I need to learn to be indifferent to. One of the readings also emphasizes God's loving forgivenes! s, and so much of the past few weeks' exercises have been about liftin g our lives up to God, even the parts we're ashamed of, and I'm trying to do that now. I'm just so sad. Week 4. I deserve nothing but the love of God. This is my pearl of great value. This is the focus of this week. Lord, give me the grace of detachment so that I can keep or release all my worldly gifts and curses. Allow me to focus on the pearl of great value, Your love. Week 4 The phrase that keeps haunting me from this week's reflections is "desiring 'I know not what'". It sooo fits where I am at this point in my life. Good to be reminded that that "desiring" is a desire for Godness and what God's plan is for me. And that I can stay alert and watchful for where everyday events take me and make sure I make them an opportunity to be at one with Him. Another phrase that keeps coming back to me is "free to face my unfreedoms". That one is going to take more than a little thought. I know it fits, but where????? is it just an acceptance of the realities in which I find myself surrounded?? Is it an acceptance of my inability to do the same things I have been accustomed to doing??? Is it a call to BE free from...??? what I "think" holds me back from...??? an urgency to DO things...??? I am at the end of week four, and I feel that I must spend more time here by adding another few days or a week. I feel that I did not do justice to the theme this week, by not focusing the way it deserves...... ... The freedom that I am imagining is a freedom that is such that most people have to take a life time to get right...and others seem to get early on. I believe freedom does involve developing a profound relationship with God, in that everything in life is now viewed as part of God's creation and the desire to please and thank God is greater than my will. I am a long way from total freedom, but I have seen it in the dedication of those who care for the sick, work with the poor, and in those that recognize Christ in others. I still cling to things that are secure at times, and am not willing to let go of certain things in my life that would give me freedom to live a life that is more loving, more open and one that is in communion with the will of God. I need to seek balance in my life, for at times I feel that I am not in harmony , my prayer has been for a while to seek to change. To become more loving , more open and more able to be what God wants , but I still resist out of fear and insecurity ...What if He wants me to give up my selfish ways...it is easy to talk the talk ,but please Lord allow me to live my live in harmony and balance particularly in those areas that need healing and allow me to reach out to others in relationship, to be a reflection of God's great and glorious vision of what love is. Those people who I reflected on had courage, compassion, love, and the desire for justice, they had a resignation that life here is not what it is all about and a desire to share their love of God with others; all of the people I thought about have a wonderful self giving and surrender to God's will ,some in the face of trials. The past two weeks of the retreat (4 & 5) have been difficult. Four wasn't so bad, except I couldn't think of anyone close to me that was really free. I came up with a few people, including a Blessed and a saint, and some people I admire at a distance. So that made it difficult, because I felt like no one I know well is free. In
some ways, week 5 was hard and easy for me. Easy because with my Protestant
evangelical background, I was taught very well that everyone sinned,
to see the effects of sin. So it's not hard for me to look at the
world, think of events, and see the link with sin. But I noticed I
tend to think of it at arms-length. And I'm not sure I ever really
connected the second part of Christ's mercy.
The first day of week 4, and wouldn’t you know, the gospel is the story of the rich man who asked what he needed to do to enter the kingdom. I am that rich man (not financially, but otherwise). The Lord has been so good to me, has ‘spoiled me rotten,’ or so it feels. I enjoy my comforts: my sleep, my favorite foods, my lies (to myself and to others), my, my, my. I am so afraid right now that I will have to reveal myself, the REAL me. Who could possible accept that person that I have become? How do I give up things I have clung to for so long? Thank God that Lent is upon us this week. I need to fast, to let go of ‘me’ for a while. Thank God also for having put people in my life with whom I can share my struggles, my questions, my faults, and maybe even my strengths. Lord, I know you are with me but I feel so alone right now. I cannot do this without You. Have mercy on me and give me the strength and courage to do what I must do. How long, I ask myself, can I spend time in prayer, fasting, and acts of piety before I really change my life? My weakness overwhelms me. I know I’m now rambling, but I feel so lost. Show me the way. Each week I make numerious discoveries about myself and God's love for me. This week I reflected on the times when my life was not in balance and in harmony. I reflected on how distant it made me feel in relationship to myself and others but most especially in my relationship with God. I also reflected on the times when my life was in harmony or balanced. Recalling what it felt like. That when I was in harmony and balance, it also created balance in the lives and relationships of those around me. I realized in those times when I was not in harmony, it was when I was not with God. My heart and head was focused on the worlds desire rather then God's desires. Once again, thank you for the Online Retreat. I did the Retreat two years ago, and it blessed my life. This Fall, I decided to do it again. This week, (Week 4) I am struck by what I've experienced. Having made the lists of individuals who inspire me, those I've not met or known personally, and those I do know personally. I see an obvious 'more-than coincidence', and I wanted to share it with you. Of the list of persons I know personally who inspire me, most are individuals I met twenty-plus years ago, when a young priest newly assigned to an inner-city parish began teaching scripture with such enthusiasm and love, many from all over the city were drawn to his little parish, where he held Bible studies. This young priest was on fire for the Lord Jesus Christ, and in-love with God's inspired words in the scriptures. God had given him an inspired vision as an evangelist. Soon our Bishop gave permission for the young priest to do full-time evangelization. Those were exciting years. Watching the leading of the Holy Spirit. Observing the blessings of the work the young priest was doing, seeing it develop into miltiple ministries, far reaching . . . radio, TV, telephone prayer lines, a Bible College, a Bible Institute, a Pregnancy Center in the inner city for poor families, praying with the women and the babies, counseling and ministering to their needs; a new order of Priests and Brothers, (Fathers and Brothers of Pentecost.) Monday, this week, I made my list of individuals who have inspired me. The young priest's name was on my list (he is now 56-y.o.), and most of the others were names of co-workers I've met through him, over the years of his ministry. Monday
evening, the young priest went to be with Jesus, after a long
The
young priest is Fr. Al Lauer, a diocesan priest; Pastor, Old St. Mary's
Church, downtown Cincinnati, O. Founder of Presentation
Ministries. We feel we have met and known, and been inspired
by a modern-day prophet and true saint. Helder Camera, Dorothy Day, Rosa Parks, Dan Berrigan, Rutillo Grande, Jeff Deitrich, Bill O'Donnell, Toni Flynn, M L King, Ruth, Anita Caspery and her L.A. Immaculate Sisters, my parents...My list is long, these are only some of the names on it! What in them speaks so loudly to me? Their courage to speak out for God's little ones, to "speak truth to power", their love of justice, of non-violence, their freedom...their willingness to put their very lives on the line for their beliefs...Then there is Maria Vargas, a brand new citizen who understands the plight of her people so well and nudges me to greater compassion in my everyday work in the food pantry...This was a hard week as we watched our country slip closer to war despite all the efforts of great people and groups...This morning's prayer put everything in perspective for me (for today at least): "Help us to grow in understanding our freedom, so that we may discern wisely and respect the gift of freedom in all our sisters and brothers. Grant this through the intercession of all who have died that others may be free. Amen." Thank you for all the sharings and especially for the weekly "director's" e-mail - your words are very encouraging and supportive. I'm the last day of week 4. At first, I thought St. Francis of Assisi was the model of freedom for me. I revere St. Francis especilly because of his real and spiritual poverty . I realized I can't give up over- caring about my son and my work. sometimes I think myself whether to be workolic in both my church activity and job or not. Going through week 4, I 'm so happy to see my unfreedoms. Then the photo reminds me of another model for me. It's Fr. Stephen Shin O.F.M, South Korean, who builds the rehabilitant center for leper in China and lives with many old lepers abandoned by their family and community. Whenever I read his writings, I envy him courage ,dedication and love. Someday I'd like to stay with lepers and help them temporarily for one or two months. I 'm so afraid of getting along with them. But like In Philippians 4,13 "Christ gives me the strengh to face anything" , I believe Christ will also give me the strength to face anything. This retreat helps me discover myself and God in my everyday life. now I'm so happy. Thank you for this wonderful retreat. I took the Ignatian Exercises with a nun from Sept. 1991 to May 1992 on a weekly basis in depth. When I saw this opportunity (and considering I have a very busy schedule), I decided I would do it as simply as possible. It will be in God's hands. I am starting my 4th week . The 1st week, I was sick over something I ate.........so I really had time to think about my early life (there was a lot of illness in it)........and to recall the gifts God gave me----patience, endurance, recovery (full recovery from polio). The 2nd week I really didn't want to continue the backward look (I'd been there, done that through therapy, shock treatment, etc.) Again the gifts of God brought me through. That week I was able to recall things about my father that carried guilt; but I was able to look at them realistically, let go of the guilt and LAUGH. The 3rd week I was looking forward to; and I printed the large picture, and of course, used it as my wallpaper on the computer. I loved the vastness of the scene but right up front was an all-too-realistic reminder of my alcoholism. I wanted to write and complain about the bottle and the 1/2 full glasses being part of our focus this week. It really took me back.......................but the focus this week was on perspective. Although I've had a lot of recovery time, I must never forget the illness' cunning, baffling ways of calling one back. I again recalled the gifts of God and the good life God has given me. This week was a busy, tiring run-around-week. I didn't give the lesson that much time, but always in the forefront of my mind was the 'scene' and the reality of my precious gifts and God's never-ending love. Thank
you for this wonderful opportunity. I am on the fourth week of the retreat. I go through a lot of ups and downs and am grateful for the texts to keep me at it. Yesterday I wrote in my journal that I could not understand what it means that the purpose of our lives is to praise God. This morning I began to understand a little what it means to see the world through God's PERSPECTIVE, the whole history of creation and redemption and me being an important part of all that - as far as God is concerned. And seeing things like that I realised one bursts into praise if that vision of things is clear enough. So I understood a bit more the PURPOSE of our lives and realised too that I allow myself to get very bogged down with the task of surviving each day and loose sight of that PERSPECTIVE. And the desires that surface are usually superficial desires for temporary release from the struggle (looking for something that cheers me up, and gives a tickle, a quick respite, ignoring the fact that on the long term such superficial enjoyments are trecherous and enslaving). I am in my fourth week of the retreat. I find myself struggling to read and pay attention to the prayers and reflections. When I can reflect on the readings they only stay with me for a matter of minutes ---- then gone, back to life as usual. I want so to make God part of my life again. I say again because just three years ago I was a leader in RCIA at our local church ( since moved to another state ). I piloted a project in Re-membering Church for Catholics who had been away from the church. I established a medical clinic for the homeless in a privately funded outreach center and taught health there ! Sounds like I had it all together. I probably did. I can not describe what has happened since. Nothing really bad just nothing. I feel distant from God and not really apart from His works. I have been spending most of my time visiting my children and grandchildren in their respective states. It seems a time to keep the family together and grounded. This holds true of my wives family too, though not as "urgent". Though I know this is valuable and important work, it just isn't rewarding in the sense that I don't feel God's presence in it. I will keep plodding along praying more to FEEL God's presence and his love. I managed to get to week 4 in a very diffused manner. Wish I could be more regular but distraction abound. But this week's focus is very difficult for me. I can identify heroes such as Robin Hood and Ivanhoe as inspirational but real people I find difficult to list. Perhaps by the end of the week I may be able to please God. As I am in my fourth week I've been reflecting on freedom as a gift of God in Christ. In the Readings for this week it captured my attention the reading of the Epistle to the Romans: "...We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him. They are the ones God has chosen for his purpose, and he has always known who his chosen ones would be..." Freedom... is specialy attached -it was very clear for me along this week- to that feeling of confidence that you have when you are loved (and now we are talking about God's love!). That freedom, we, moderns, as we are prone to think, is not arrogance, but confidence; not fear to the absolute, as a strange reverence due to a king most feared, but that attitude that Paul describes as Parresia; I called it Parresic Reverence, and it has been a gentle discovering from the Spirit that has, since this days, started to shape my prayers and my general attitude towards Him. God chooses me first. God wanted me his friend from always: I am just trying to follow His call. Thank you to the Creightons people for make available this space of encounter with God. I'd like to respond to a sharing just read this morning by the gentleman who was in his fourth week of the retreat ... had moved from another state, and was somehow feeling a lack of God's Presence in his life. Nothing particularly ... just nothing. He mentioned being very active in his previous location, "Re-remembering" and a medical/health clinic program he was very involved with establishing. Then the move, or relocation. First, I was touched by this apparent loneliness. Second, because I too, am a grandparent, I appreciate and value his concern for his children and grandchildren. And, I believe his desire to "make the rounds" keeping the family connected is truly worthy. However, I do know first hand how that somehow can leave us feeling a bit unsatisfied, or empty. Mainly, I think, because their lives and ours are so complex, and we somehow can never go back and reach that level of "connectedness" we long for. Or, so it's been with me. And, at this point in my life, I'm beginning to sense that this is a part of God's plan. He's anxious for us to spend more quiet time with Him, to rely more on Him for our joy, comfort, and "connectedness". Which brings me to my next thought, which is this: The gentleman was so involved, busy, and "rewarded" in his previous location and endeavors, he was feeling accomplished. And, I'm thinking there must have been a lot of fellowship with people in his spiritual community during all the prayer, planning and work. Two things: First, I believe God always leads ... but sometimes He! ! allows us to experience these valleys or dry periods. (The scriptures are filled with stories of individuals who were in the "desert" ... particularly the Psalms.) And, when this happens, I believe, it's always for our betterment, our growth, our good ... and, for His glory! Secondly, I also believe the Lord established His church for us so that we would have solidarity, and fellowship. We do this in various ways through prayer groups, bible studies, worship committees, or studies in pastoral services, volunteering in hospitals for our parish, praying with parish members in need, etc. The list is ongoing. And, the Holy Father, Pope John Paul has for years been writing letters to the Church (us) explaining our responsibilities, and our importance in the Kingdom work, for Jesus, making us aware of the power and value of our prayers, family support, justice, human rights and dignity, etc. So I believe, for most older citizens in God's Kingdom, because most of us have a little more time than our children do, (as they busy themselves in the rearing of our grandchildren ... just like we did) God is calling us to become more involved. We need the fellowship and identity which comes with being an involved Christian, and He's looking to us to do those things that our children aren't able to do now, either because they don't have time, or aren't mature enough yet to realize the enormous significance of Kingdom work. I hope this helps somehow. Know that we are all being covered by thousands of prayers around the world, by God's people interceding for us because we are part of that Kingdom. Also, that as members of this very special retreat, we receive additional prayers, and intentions. God is still leading you ... and me, and He is still in control. He doesn't miss a heartbeat, not a flick of an eyelash. And, He won't let go of us, or let us down. TRUST! And, Merry Christmas! I just believe God has something really special for you, just around the corner for this coming new year which will help in your feeling "reconnected". You maybe just need to "turn the corner"? ... i.e., check out with your parish areas where you can become involved. Areas you'll feel God would like you to be involved. God bless you! It seems the further I go into these spiritual exercises - the fourth week now, the more alienated I am feeling - because of personal relationship problems I am experiencing at the time that seem overwhelmingly on my mind at all times. I want the freedom to dump them - and get back to the peace and contentment I felt before I begin in this relationship. At first, I thought the relationship came from God - tho not necessarily sought by me, the attention and warm feelings seemed like a special gift. Now they seem to be interfering with the call I feel to have a closer relationship with God at this particular time in my life. Yet, the "addiction to attention" I am feeling, is causing me to hang on to a relationship that seems to be a deadend for me - for our aims, ethics and purposes are too far apart. I am hoping to gain the strength I need to choose God as my important relationship, and let the other fall by the wayside, if the other person does not pursue the same ends. Please pray for me to have the courage to keep my commitment to Christ - that I will hold no other Gods before me, including the desire for human consolation if it interferes with good communion with God. In my fourth week, I find that I do not like the word "indifference" but I treasure the concept. When I first read St. Ignatius a long time ago, I seized on the part about health because I have had a particular health concern for many years. I am obese, and have been for most of my life. Like many fat people, I have lost and regained huge amounts of weight. My average food intake is 1/3 that recommended for Americans, and I exercise six times a week. (about 3 hours.) Here is my dilemma: I might be able to lose weight by exercising more, but I don't want to be obsessed with my body size. I have health problems because of my excess weight, but I have a wonderful life. Much of what I have learned about empathy and tolerance has come from my own experience of obesity. Because I was fat, I concentrated on building a deeper reality for myself, and I attracted people who were capable of seeing beyond the superficial. I have a great husband and family, an interesting job, terrific friends, an enviable education, a questing spirit, and a level of joy that most people find enviable. Some years ago I wondered if God might possibly want me to be fat. It seems that the pain and disfigurement of obesity and related health problems have taught me a wisdom that would be hard to acquire any other way. People imply, at times, that compromising my health in this way is sinful. Yet I don't smoke, drink, eat unhealthy foods, or indulge in other high risk behavior. My life is stress-free, compared to most people I know. My obesity may cause others more discomfort than it causes me. One
of my hopes for this retreat is that I find clarity on this issue.
I am willing to work harder to lose weight, but I have to find some
way to do so that does not use all of attention and energy and
conviction. I need to do it with "indifference" or "non-attachment." Into the fourth week of this retreat I commend the angels and saints responsible for building this website. My first thought when a friend gave this to me was, I don't have time for a retreat. I can't seem to leave it now that I've started, however it may take me longer than 34 weeks. God
bless each of you, and let's continue praying for each other which
is the greatest gift we all share. As I reflect on my role models and heroes (week 4), I am struck by the humility all of them have ( or had ), forgetting themselves, very much like the smiling student in a Dominican Republic clinic...no sense of grandiosity even as some of them are famous. They ( have ) displayed remakable energy and focus, perseverance against seemingly impossible odds, moving forward towards what they perceive(d) as God given goals with a faith greater than mustard seeds...Nelson Mandela ( divinely-inspired ) forgiving his erstwhile tormentors after assuming power, Vaclav Havel transforming poetry's power to l iberate his people, Lech Wales using his gifts to organize a new nation, Ninoy Aquino sacrificing his life so that others may live in freedom, Mother Theresa giving service a new meaning, St. Paul exchanging his earthly wisdom for True Wisdom, and St. Peter leaving his safety net for a greater harvest ( of souls ). It
gives me strength to know that the Source of their power and wisdom
is the same God I worship and Who invites me to be like them.
Starting week four, the idea of indifference, not wanting, seems a hard ideal. The very idea brings out how much we are bound to ambition and recognition. Society feeds these "tions"--we're told to "be somebody," get our fifteen minutes of fame. I think for many of us, that craving really hints at insecurity within. This is where we really need to pray for utter trust. I am doing this retreat with 3 other women. When we first started I wasn't sure about how I was doing with it. Was I getting it? Was I doing it right? I realized that after week 4 that I am getting it!!! "It" is what God has for me. Even though we are doing this as a group it is still a very personal experience. Talk about a grace!!!! I am in the fourth week now but want to share something of the journey so far. What was wonderful about the first week was to realise that what had been bad in the past - a sense of being rejected when I had polio, and later being the butt of a school - was not what was coming to the fore in my mind as I reviewed the time. What did come to mind were the people who were there to help, and who wanted to help even though they were not helpful. That was most encouraging. In the second week I was caught by the number of cross roads there were in my life and found myself staying with the choices I faced leaving university at the age of 21. The choice I made almost certainly brought me into the church having been away, and then into the priesthood in the Anglican church ten years later. I have also discovered things about myself and acceptance which have been really helpful - how I have tended to boast to attract attention and gain acceptance. I don't need to do this any more. Thank you. Happiness to my blessed friends on this sojourn to truth. I am struck by the concept of using God's gifts of creation to achieve the end for which we are created while ridding ourselve of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. The fourth week started by departing from merely appreciating the life and the path we lead to inspecting the people who inspire and the qualities they possess.. The balance we achieved in the gifts of creation including employment, friendhsip and faith to recognizing God's call and direction to our purpose and conception. I am here amidst the green grass, blue sky and music from his birds and water falls lingering, appreciaiting and available. Today I spoke with a friend who has been living through her sixth recurrence of cancer. This time the experience has been unremitting and continues to make her increasingly frail. Yet she immediately spoke of the beauty of this autumn day. "What a gift we've been given," she said. I was humbled once more by her ability to look outward and to see, and marvel at, the beauty of God's creation, despite the magnitude of her physical problems. She is one of those who inspires me in this, my fourth week on this retreat. I have been awed by her courage before this week, but I never really thought about the way she has her life in balance. She continues to live--to read, to study, to enjoy her family, to become irritated by the messiness of the house she can no longer control--but through it all, she seems to be at peace, to have turned over the decision-making to God. The prayer in "These or Similar Words" in week 4 was almost thought for thought how I feel. I was very moved. I thank you. I am in the fourth week and have been going along quite nicely ----basking in God's love for me. However , when I hit this week and read the Ignatian admonition to "not desire" I knew I was in trouble. This philosophy is not new to me--yet my resistance was huge! It may take me weeks to get thru this one. I do desire and as Fr. Gillick wrote --am I frree enough to face my unfreedom.........only with the grace of God. Last week was week 4. I struggled through a personal crisis. But I was at the right place at the right time. I stood up in my room, held my hands open in front of me and realized what it means not to care for one's honor, not to care for one's possessions...to let them all go. There are floods and suffering all round me. People who have lost everything they own. They have to have another point of reference. |