Week 7
I really don't know
where to start for iam feeling so emotional right now. God is doing
so much in my life. He reveals Himself un to me and it's so great. This
week has done so much for me, more than any week. There are patterns
of sin in my life that i have come to realise, like desire to be loved,
to have everything, to be successful,to be respected and people to recognise
me. These desires makes me do some of the things i never intended to
do. For example, desire to be loved leads me to sex as i wouldn't want
to disappoint my beloved or i feel like it at the moment. God loves
me that is why He has revealed this un to me. He can do for you to .I
put my life in his hands now to do His will in my life. I would like
Him to take control of my life as iam so weak but very strong in HIM.
His mercy is sufficient for me, for he reveals Himself in weakness.
Corithians 12: 8-10
Week 7
- Not a “week” but rather 2 months. That
is how long I spent struggling, trying to find, and name, the 4 to 5
basic patterns behind my many sins.
The naming of
these patterns was very helpful and is a promising area for sharing.
Naming creates the conditions for an internal “spiritual”
surgery or cleansing restoring heart and body and finding peace. For
those who like me yielded to a pattern of lust that in my case led
to terrible sins of adultery that were very damaging to my family,
the issue became how cut this pattern out of my life at the very root.
How to replace it with trust? Although I stopped the overt behavior
years ago, there were deep, hidden patterns that seemed emerge at
unexpected times.
Yesterday, instead
settling for the worn term “lust” as a category of sin,
I tried to give it a name that made it more personal and reprehensible.
Lust became “selfish, lusty insect.” This dark insect
has lived inside of me for years, and for the period of my unfaithfulness,
I would feed it regularly. It is an insect, because if you shed light
on it, it will run and hide. It is selfish, because that is the nature
of the lust urge, if not linked to a truly loving relationship. But
it lurks and comes out at night, and continues to live in the dark
corners of my mind’s desire. But by naming it, I can begin to
ask for Gods grace and begin to confront it and control it.
Examples of other
names of “sin making” parts of myself are “Mr. Know-Better/Controller”,
“Raging Bull”, “Wounded Lion”, “Master
of Nothing.” These creatures are the names of underlying tendencies
in me that have created sin throughout my life. But what to do? Do
I hate this part of me and wage an internal war or do I make peace
with my ugly pets?
I learned from
the Buddhist tradition to accept the unattractive parts of myself,
take deep breaths, in and out, and then let go. In prayerful meditation,
I learned something about centering my thoughts and stilling my mind.
I began to notice these beasts within lose their power when named,
and almost disappear when named and “loved” or accepted
as part of my internal nature. This helps me integrate body, mind
and heart. I am now able to increasingly focus on Jesus, the spirit
of love and life restoring me and healing me.
I share the grace
of the process of slaying my internal demons and now hope to move
on, move steadily on without undue fretting and delay. When they surface
as I am sure they will, I will recognize them, name them and let them
go. Maybe that is what Christ meant, when he said, “get thee
behind me Satan.” The sin is behind, and my eyes can now look
to God without the separation created by the sin.
Though a newfound
relationship with God, I am finding a new simpler trust in his grace
(Matthew 6: 24-34) and finding in Him the power to conquer sin after
accepting and my imperfect nature. For me to restore trust to my marriage,
I have to trust myself, but only through God. I can’t do it
alone. I have proven too selfish and self-serving for that. I therefore
want to have a creaturely relationship to God our father spoken in
Jesus’ teaching in the Sermon on the Mount. I am learning not
to worry about my sinful patterns, but to examine and co-exist with
my weakness By sitting at the foot of the cross, I feel comforted
and see the face of Jesus and feel connected again to my God our Lord.
I have resisted God’s graces for years and only recently am
I changing this pattern by trusting in Him.
I'm starting
the 7th week of the retreat. And I'm beginning to
see why most of you ask to be remember in our prayers. I pushed through
last weeks retreat and almost decided to spend two weeks on it for
lack of progress. The topic of sin paralyzes me. I see now that without
a lot of help from God I'm not going to go anywhere with this no matter
how hard I push. As a matter of fact I think that "pushing"
will only hold me back.
Thank you God.
Pray for me, I'll pray for you.
-- Bob
i
have just fnished week 7 and have found it very difficult.
i havent been able to connect the dots at all so it seems to me. i am
trusting that its working and i just cant yet see the patterns. its
2 weeks since my son and his little family moved to another town and
i dont know where its the retreat affecting me and where its the loneliness
and uncertainty about what decisions to make in my own life. i am noticing
the lack of a spiritual advisor and have been very bleak and unsettled.
the comfort and certainty of divine assistance and love with which i
am familiar have deserted me and nothing seems to make sense at all.
my sleeping is disturbed and i seem far less than what i would like
to be.
i am just plodding on and knowing that others take the same journey
is very important to me. i am ok when i come home . my home is a true
and very beautiful sanctuary. but i am detached and vague with other
people - even my primary support people. i dont know whether i am to
follow my family or stay here. and the pattern of sin and rebellion
seems tightly linked to it. i have twice walked away from my children.
and all the old griefs and guilts and shames are threatening to overwhelm
me. this week i do not feel like a child of god. at all. i feel like
a failure. god help me into the next week. i know there is some way
of viewing this which is just eluding me this week. through the glass
darkly it is for me.
-- yours nell from the tweed
Week 7
Filling the void. I've used alcohol, people, things, work, food, all
kinds of distractions. Nothing works. Nothing. I'm learning to turn
to God when I loose my serenity; when the void consumes me, and sends
me searching. It's a frantic reaction, when I find meself unbalanced.
Reaching out and grabbing, almost anything to save me. But now, I'm
trying to 'reach in', to God. To God within me. God's love fills me,
if I allow it. It's up to me to let it in and be saturated with it.
God fills the void; with love and trust and faith. And Grace.
I am just finishing
up week 7 and I am aware of some very subtle changes
in me and in my thinking. Approaching personal sin is always difficult
for me but the reflections and guides have helped me look more deeply
because I know that I am loved. I did a presentation recently where
I referred to Jesus' baptism where he is referred to as "My beloved."
I was able to look at areas/patterns of sin in my life because I know
that I am God's beloved. Reflecting on this during this season of autumn
has also helped. The letting go of the leaves is a reminder of the need
to let go of the control that I hold onto...that it is only in letting
go that new life can come.
-- Mary
Week 7:
What is the cause of my patterns of sin?I usually go back to St. Augustine’s
pears. Remember, in his Confessions, how he describes stealing pears
when he was a kid? Not because he needed them or even wanted them, but
because he desired the love of his friends, who thought it would be
fun to steal some pears. It seems to me that’s why I do a lot
of my sinning: out of desire for someone’s love. It’s the
old “mistaking the creature for the Creator” thing: I want
the infinite love that is God, but people, being made in his image,
are seen as a ready substitute. It seems a sin that God would find easy
to forgive: here I am, desiring him, desiring his love, but accidentally
loving instead something he made in his own image. Oops! Yet sin it
is. The devil knows I won’t find evil attractive, so he lures
me with a lesser good. In
my relations with others, I suppose I could look at Jesus in his relationship
with Peter. When Peter says, “You are the Christ!” Jesus
replies, “You are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church.”
Yet when Peter says, “God forbid that any harm should come to
you!” Jesus replies, “Get behind me, you Satan!”
In the first
instance, Peter recognizes the Truth about Christ; in the second,
he misunderstands or denies it. If only I could be like Christ! Then
I could embrace my friends only when they know the truth of me: my
vocation to “know, serve and love” God. Yet I could reject
with Christ’s self-awareness all attempts to divert me from
that call.
Tom, Pennsylvania
I was traveling
for work for a good part of this week which is not necessarily conducive
to reflection. But I did realize that a big pattern that underlies
sinful parts of my life is similar to what I experience traveling.
I am excited about the possibilities in exploring new places …
new experiences. I recognize earlier in the week that most of my reflections
centered on much earlier experiences in my life … days I have
previously characterized as my days of exile from God. Then I was
really traveling in a metaphorical sense trying to experience and
explore new places. Incorrectly perceiving that the places where I
had been brought up and were familiar were not where I wanted to be.
Clearly they were not satisfying and so I ask myself, “Why did
I take that turn and miss these signs?” Then I saw clearly the
dark side of exploration … exploration without God … in
my life leads to dark corners … it’s like the directional
signs were clear and I ignored them. But I also see real grace in
these experiences. In each of these dark corners there has been someone
who has gently prodded me back onto the path. I have felt God’s
forgiveness very concretely in my life.
I was also touched earlier
in the week reflecting on St Alphonsus Rodriguez whom we remembered
on Monday. In a lowly role as doorkeeper for Jesuit college in Segovia
at any knock he would cry out, “I’m coming Lord”.
I remember once being a janitor during college vacation. How I hated
it. But what grace I missed not following St Alphonsus’s example.
And I have missed the opportunity for that grace over and over again
in how I have approached everyday situations.
Then in the readings,
I keep coming back to the phrase, “If any of you want to be
my followers, you must forget about yourself”. Many times I
do the opposite. Sometimes the self centeredness starts innocently.
Many times I’m impatient for change. But at the heart of my
darkness is a feeling that “I’m not satisfied with who
I am” and then the critical deception, “I will be someone
else”. Often that other person is not who I really am. Certainly
I know it is not who God knows as me. Many times it leads to the really
sinful areas in my life. So I start again and see that it does not
matter whether or not I am satisfied with myself. What really matters
is whether God is satisfied. Having viewed all the journeys I have
taken so far in my life and how God’s loving presence has been
there whether or not I saw it at the time, I give up my impatience
with myself, and commit to letting God shape my journeys. At least
I pray for this grace.
This week's retreat
asked us to reflect on the pattern of our sins and why we hold onto
and repeat them. Last week I recognized and admitted to sins of pride,
selfishness, materialism and being judgemental (so much for sainthood!).
This week I've spend time reflecting on each. I can see how my childhood
and youth (coming from a poor, dysfunctional family) played a part in
my pattern of sins, as I was ashamed of my family life, I wanted nice
things, and I saw everything from the world's view of success and happiness.
I reflected this week on how now, as a grown woman, I still struggle
with these sins whenever my needs for acceptance, self worth, love and
autonomy are in question. My reflection time, however, revealed my greatest
sin to be not recognizing, at these times, that my God would never allow
anything to happen to me that He wasn't aware of. He knows the circumstances
of my life at all times. He knows my needs and every thought and has
repeatedly asked for me to give them to Him. When I turn to Him, especially
in conversational prayer, I am not only forgiven my sins but His guidance
and peace re-directs my thinking so that I only want to please Him.
When I don't turn to Him, I foolishly suffer. I have no peace and contentment
in acting out in pride, selfishness, etc...
I'm so grateful for the first time I recognized and understood Psalm
51.
I find it consoling and uplifting that God can create in me a clean
and pure heart. I smile knowing that I am a work in progress.
I pray to God to
grow in my ability to follow Jesus.
Yet I fear and resist change.
How can I grow without change?
I pray to God to grow in my love for my neighbor.
Yet so often I resent intrusions from others into my world.
How can I grow in love when my heart is a fortress?
I keep asking God.
He keeps giving me exactly what I ask.
I refuse, turn away, or resent His gifts.
Act as if He is handing me a snake, when He hands me a key to the narrow
gate.
Lord, forgive me my sins.
Help me to learn to accept your grace.
Denise
The personal patterns of my sinfulness were
already becoming evident these past weeks of my retreat. I seem to
judge others when they don’t live up to my expectations. I say
I trust in the Lord with all my heart, but still worry and cannot
believe or accept His grace. He says “Do not be afraid, I am
with you always”, but I do fear. All the things I hate in others
are the very sins that I commit or have committed. I say I forgive,
but I still hold onto things of the past. There are so many things
that, by God’s grace, He has helped me to see because He knows
I have to heal completely and I can only do this by looking within.
By doing this and then focusing on God’s eyes looking at me
with pure love, embracing me, and holding my face in His loving hands,
I have found a peace like I have never felt before. Because of this,
my outlook on life has drastically changed…the things going
on in my life have not changed…just the way I am able to handle
them. “My grace is sufficient for thee, for power is made perfect
in weakness” 2 Cor. 12:9 (also, read verses 6-9) Yes, His grace
is more than sufficient, but my hardness of heart made me unable to
see or grasp it. But, now, I am holding onto it for dear life and
praising God every minute of the day for His gift.
-- June
I am on week seven of the retreat.
This has been a very good experience for me. Weeks 5, 6, and 7 have
been about sin. Sin in general, personal sins and my own patterns of
sinfulness. The thing I have struggled with is that it is fairly easy
for me to see sin in others but not in myself. I know in a general sense
it is there and I see some of the specifics but I think there is a lot
I do not see. So I talked to my spiritual advisor ( a priest/friend)
about not making progress in this area. He said the fact that you are
thinking about your own sinfulness is a good sign as most people won't
even think of their own sinfulness. So maybe I am making progress. I
remember reading when starting the retreat not to "demand progress."
The picture of "Auctioning off the Cross" intrigued me more
than any others even before I read the meditations for that week. I
wasn't sure why at first. Then it occurred to me that the reason that
picture intrigued me is because I am guilty of auctioning off the cross
in so many ways.
I pray for all who make this retreat. God Bless you all.
The biggest pattern I see in my
sin , is the way I just easily don't give to others the respect and
love they deserve. I keep myself apart. I pray this will change. Help
me God. I have been praying to learn to love Jesus, I think I must only
learn to "Love My Neighbor" . Help me God. Week 7
I am a sixty year old priest.
I am at week 7 at present and struggling badly! I have
shared nothing so far, as I find it difficult to open up even to myself.
I thought this morning it would be a good idea to 'revise' from the
beginning and try to share. I took two weeks to do Week 1. I am glad
because the second week brought back to me many blessings I had received
through lots of people I had forgotten about during the first week.
I finished the second week with a sense of gratitude for being so blessed
and enriched throughout my life.
I feel like I've finished week
7, but then in some ways I don't feel finished. My heart feels
raw... not broken, not healed, just kind of raw, in a state of flux.
It's hard to exist this way, but I'm trying not to rush the healing
process. It is important that I heal and not just coat it with my own
vices. Dear Lord, I patiently await your healing. AMEN
Christine -AK
When the darkness
is complete
seeking you comes easy
I can say with Paul
"When I am weak, then I am strong
When all is brightness and sunshine
I run to you with love, grateful for your gifts
God is good! How great is our God!
But the cloudy days of plodding endurance...
those I claim for myself
days not cold enough to take cover
nor warm enough to give gratitude
in these days my sin has foundation and grows
and what does my sin look like?
a fortress I have built around my heart
the stronghold I retire to on the dreary days.
its walls somehow and mercifully admit entrance to
support and encouragement of those who love me
but limit the love I can return
and blind me to the needs of those near
but just outside.
I need to be free of my desire to be strong alone.
within my fortress that desire is strong
and drowns out your call to be friend and disciple.
I can not tear down the walls alone
and alone, I don't really wish to
But You will not storm the gates
You wait just outside the wall at the weakest point
Calling to me...
It may be too much to ask of this week that we can
tear down
the walls so long in building
but I pray that I could at least find you waiting
and calling at the smallest opening,
and allow you to draw me out of myself
and into you so that I can see clearly
what keeps me from you
at least for a time.
i've surprised my self by making
it this far...i'm usually not good at sustaining an effort. for the
last two weeks i have acutely felt the pain of the rebellion of sin..feeling
cut off from god and from those i love and have sinned against. but
i have also experienced what can happen when i turn to god in need.
this week has really forced me to see one of my most destructive patterns,
and that is trying to do it "my" way when things are "good", thinking
i can play both ends against the middle. when i become complacent, the
margins of right behavior blur and i cross the line, thinking my actions
won't really hurt. i become swept along in my own emotions, yielding
to them without pause. i have also discovered that when things are "bad",
i dont seek the help of god or utilize the tools he has given me until
catastrophe strikes...and then i come begging. i live a reactive rather
than proactive life. i do not follow the words of the act of contrition
"to avoid the near occasion of sin"..because i dont want to. how stupid
and self destructive this has been for me! someone once told me that
if evil was dressed up in horns and a tail, no one would want it, so
evil often feels good and satisfying. but how empty it feels in the
end. if i am to make spritual progress i have to turn it over to god
and change the patterns of my life, one day at a time. i never thought
it would be so much work and how actively engaged i'd have to be in
it. but i acknolwedge that despite the many troubles in my life, god
has given me much...and therefore i am responsible for honoring what
ive been given. change has been agonizingly slow for me, but i can feel
it in increments. for this i am grateful to the god who loves me as
i am, sins and all. Week 7
I
am in week seven. I started only checking in each week
--- thinking that it would be good to learn the process of the retreat.
But I have found myself living this retreat. I had been feeling disconnected
from Jesus and as I finally allowed myself to depend more on Jesus and
less on myself I realized that Jesus is always there... always connected...
I am the one that disconnects.
Week
7: I find it difficult to reflect on sins. Perhaps it
is because I don't really want to look at them. I have been deaf
to God's word for a long time though at the back I know God is always
there.
Today I got mad at almost everything. I was off so I supposed
that I was relaxed and free. But inside my heart there is lots
of anger and I cannot figure out what it is - what is the source of
my anger?
I pray to God to hold me in His loving hands.
Week 7 has revealed a sin I never
considered a sin. It is an attitude toward others (not everyone)
of superiority. How can I rid of it--it is so ingrained and seems
not to be willful, but a part of my being. So I will pray about this
now.
Anyway, the attitude comes from my upbringing where criticizing of others
was commonplace. It gave me a feeling of "we" and "they" (everyone
else) and "we" were special. I felt very loved, safe, warm and fortunate.
Yet, I have a fair amount of low self-esteem. How do these two
go together? I've been told by a counselor that the criticism
set forth the parental expectations which I have tried to meet all of
my life. Those criticisms could be of me if I acted or looked a certain
way.
I'm also beginning to see that disappointment in my husband over the
years has been influenced by this "sin." And not thinking
that the attitude showed was probably naiive and that it has affected
his feelings and confidence. I'm suddenly realizing that I have gotten
quite a bit out of week 7!
my patterns of sin has been aagainst my wife.
i have connected the dots and what i see is
a young man growing old by himself. the image of the man on the beach;in
this weeks photo, could be me wondering where i went wrong.i did not
acknowledge my sins.i did see myself as a"big sinner". it was my wife
who suggested i do this retreat.the first time i tried the retreat i
did not think it was for me.this time i have removed my mask and saw
myself for who i truly was.coldhearted,unloving, self centered;yes this
this was me. for twenty five years my wife has put up with this monster.i
beg GODS FORGIVENESS and my wifes that i receive a second chance.i sit
at the feet of JESUS hoping to experience his forgiveness.i beg GOD
to hold me and heal me for i'am truly broken.my prayer is that i could
be the man on the beach with his loving wife by his side and not the
old man alone asking GOD how could this happen. Week 7
I realized during
week seven that the underlying cause for many of
my sins that kept reechoing though my mind was that I worry too much
about my appearance before others. While I knew before that
this was a one of my problems, I did not realize quite as fully
as I do now what impact this has had in the sins that I commit.
There were some sins that I could easily trace back to this but
as I dug deeper into some of my other sins I found this to be
below the surface as well. While there were also other patterns
that I could find this one seemed to be the most prominent.
It seems ironic that I could offend and strain my relationship
with the One who is the most important while I was so concerned
with the perception that others have of me. As I sit here
typing I realize that gaining recognition, approval, or a good
image in the eyes of others would mean nothing if I am offending
God in the process. Now I must continue to work to put this realization
into practice which will not always be easy.
Week 7: I believe
that part about people not getting up each day with the intent
to do evil things. We all want to do good, to be good. The part that
hits the nail on the head for me is that we feel needs that feel
unmet, we have fears that sap our confidence. This is the meaning
of "sin" for me. These unfulfilled needs and nagging fears make
us lose sight of the fact that God is with us, loving us offering
us the help we need if only we could be conscious of His help
around us. Losing sight of our loving Father, that is "sin" in
my view.
The prayer "In these or similar words" brought tears to my eyes.
The visual was strong and positive. Me sitting at the feet of
My Father asking for the strength to get up again and try to do
good, be compassionate even if I am sick or tired or hurt from
being ignored, be watchful of other's needs and help if only with
a smile of encouragement, have courage because the All Powerful,
All loving God cares for me and intends for me to care for His
creation in return.
To reflect on patterns
of personal sin is not something that most people want to do and
that includes me, but I believe that it will prove to be life
altering if I approach this week or so with the idea that , I do need
a conversion of heart and a much more profound awareness of how my
inability to love the way God intended me to love is hampering
me from being the creature that God intended me to be.
I want to delve into why I sin, what is my weakness or inclination.
Most of the time , it is through selfishness, or fear that I tend
to lash out, judge, or mistreat my brothers and sisters.
Though I often pray for trust in God, I often forget and then
the sin will inevitably rear its ugly head. It will be a
life long journey to place total trust in God who deserves nothing
less than my absolute trust in His Mercy and Love.
I am grateful for this week and I pray that I will not be afraid
to look at myself honestly, and remain constantly aware of Christs
ultimate and great gift of Himself to me. Thank you and God bless
all who are making this retreat and those who facilitate it.
I read the sharing of others
in Week 7 today, the first day of that week for me. Again, God’s
timing amazes me. One person wrote of a rut, blockage, procrastination,
and even failing to start a project. Others shared experiences similar
to mine. One used the analogy of ‘connecting the dots’ to
describe this week’s work. I too am in a rut. I need to connect
the dots in my life. The patterns are not yet clear, but are beginning
to come into focus. I pray for the grace to see the patterns in my life
and to steer myself out of the ‘rut.’ All praise and thanks
be to the Lord, my Saviour!
The seventh week was difficult for
me. I felt deep sorrow and scare when the hidden things in my
mind that I never wanted to remember was disclosed in front of
God and myself. But on the journey I discovered my habitually
repeated sins resulted from not only admitting my failure
and mistakes and disability but escaping from them. In fact
I have hidden my injury and frustration. It grew bigger and bigger
and without knowing controlled my mind and made me disguise myself
.... far away from God. Though I have participated in many church
activities, I realized I didn't show myself as it is even to Him
and began to wonder whether or not my love for God was wrong.
Throughtout this week I -as a sinner- wanted to be healed all of mine
and renewed by God's Mercy and Love. Talking about myself with
God, I could discover that I behaved as I 'd like to regardless
of His desire. I really want to buy the cross auctioned off
by me. The picture that I see again on the last day of the journey
seemed to tell me God is coming across the river to meet me-as
a sinner and give His love. And my eyes got wet with grateful
tears. What a great gift !!
I am very excited by this process.
I have made many mistakes in my life. I can "understand"
some of the pyscho-social roots of my sins...but now I want to
be able to learn from them. I also have to be careful not
to judge myself too harshly....my father used to tell me
I did this and my friends tell me the same. Yet, I know
what the truth is and yes, sometimes I am hard on myself but many
times I take a path that has to do with utter fear and stubborness.
(7)
The exercise for this week has been very
difficult for me. There have been many times
in my life when I felt I was dying to self, doing the will of
God, only to feel like a hypocrite afterward. I drew much
consolation from the prayer by Thomas Merton -about not knowing
if I was pleasing God, but the fact that I was trying to please
Him, actually did so. I hope I am not expecting too much from this week's
exercise, but maybe, just maybe it might help me discern God's
will for my life and to feel His forgiveness for the times when
I sinned against Him - even when I felt I was doing the right
thing. (7)
Tears. I haven't filled up with tears,
gotten that tightness in my throat, and the welling up of emotion
from inside, for a long time. (7) This time I felt
joy. Tears of joy. How I had wanted to never again
look at the serious sins of my past. Today, they tell me
not only what I have done, but they remind me of the One whose
death frees me from those sins.
Week 7 -- Time to
connect the dots of patterns of sin in my life; what a gift this is!
I have come so far in the walk to wanting to live a life of holiness
that I had gotten stuck in mediocrity. This week, these reflections,
are a difficult but wonderful gift for new growth. Yes, the pattern
is subtle but consistent. I am lovely in the "front room" of my
life, but there is a need to stroke my ego (pathetically self pitying
from the early teen years) that rises to inflict itself on those who
are weak if they don't give it the recognition it craves. Dear
Jesus, having seen this more clearly, help me to rest in your friendship,
and to see real value in living for you, so that I don't need to rise
on the pain of weaker brothers and sisters anymore.
Yes, I am filled with hope
and confidence, yet I recognize that my confidence is easily shaken.
I often end up feeling inept and impotent when confronting my spiritual
and moral shortcomings, and so I simply give in. I pray that I
can gain strength through this retreat and become a better man, father,
husband, and child of God. I know you are with me today, Lord.
Amen.
I am in week 7, it
was my usual time to spend with the Lord in the adoration chapel where
I begin my retreat each week. As I read the words in the "In these
or Similar Words" section, I got choked up couldn't get through it reading
it silently. I tried reading it aloud and it was worse.
I just can't pray the third paragraph to "..let me feel the pain and
alienation of being separated from you..."
I have been there before and I never want
to be away again. Please God..melt whatever separates me from
you, please don't let me walk away ever again. I love to
hear your words burning in my heart. It is only through
the miracle of you Lord that I am able to see the good in
others instead of the faults, that I am able to feel your
love for them instead of my own indifference. Please
Jesus, I can't stand to feel the pain and alienation of being
separated from you. Please draw me close and don't let go.
This retreat truly is becoming the background
part of my day, and I didn't even know it. Yesterday at
work, we began sharing faith stories, and I was called upon to
defend our Faith, to some who profess to be Catholic, but admitted
that they don't follow all of Her teachings. It was a moment
of exhilaration, joy, and sorrow all mixed into one. How
good is our loving God! Then, when I went to Mass later
that evening for All Saints Day, I commented to Father, "Doesn't
it just make you want to cry sometimes when you stop and ponder
upon the awesomeness of our God?!" How grateful I am for all He
has given to me-the joys and the sorrows-everything!
I have just started week
seven. (How much easier it is to identify the WHAT of my sin
than the WHY). So far, although I have not learnt any new facts
about Jesus and His love for me, it has been very worthwhile to become
immersed in it throughout the week. I had shared the url for the
retreat with many in my parish, hoping to be able to go through it with
people I knew, so we could discuss it, pray through it, and keep each
other accountable. Not even my husband wanted to join me. In many
ways, this has been a blessing. I have kept to a flexible timetable,
spent 10days on some parts, 4 on others. However, I had not read the
sharing of others until yesterday. It is SO reassuring to see that others
are praying for all of us on this retreat. I am inspired to do the same.
Especially in this confronting section, I need to know that others understand
the fear, the guilt, and also the relief that God still loves us.
Thank you to all those who have shared, and to those who have prayed.
I add my prayers to theirs - for each person on this retreat, and for
their families. Sue
Week 7. I live
in a retirement community and am coordinating this retreat for residents
who do not have computers. We have faith sharing on the 1st and
3td Friday afternoons. So only two persons came to the sharing.
But it was great! Several of you were there! After a short
prayer, I read some of the sharings These helped us share our own graces.
I'm one of the younger residents (71) and the two women who came are
much older. They shared how different our sin list becomes
as we age. Someone suggest that we could use a booklet --"An
Examination of Conscience to Seniors." We all agreed
that being crabby, intollerant, judgmental, "tied up in knots" self-pity,
and rage are sins we can relate to now! (Andy, are you a senior?)
Perhaps on of the older Jesuits on campus could write the book. But
as to sharing, one of the women called me last Sunday. She said
that she read the retreat guide three times -- it was so beautiful!
Then she prayed for half an hour or more. I said that when I connected
the dots, I realized that I take God for granted. I take both
is forgiveness and his constant help for granted. The other woman
said that's because I trust God. Isn't it wonderful when
someone puts a better light on our sins! Another woman was moved by
Kay's sharing and asked for a print copy. She was especially moved
by the line "I realized that I need to spend less time on trying to
make myself a better person and more time on asking God's forgiveness
and help." -- she probably doesn't have a lot of time left, so she wants
to use it well! I really grateful for this opportunity to learn more
about the spirituality of older adults. This knowledge will help
me to have helpful spiritual conversations --both ways!
The most difficult thing
for me to do is to share my weeknesses with with others. When
I share my inner most fears, prayers, angers with my husband, we seem
to meet me on a level playing field. He knows me so well. He accepts
me with gentleness, caring and understanding. He is my sounding board
and often tempers my fears and disappointments with gentle acceptance.
When I have tried to express myself to others I fear that what I might
say would hurt, be judgemental or be misunderstood. As I reread the
words that I have written I realize that I have just shared with you
a big part of my sinful nature - my pride. Please pray for me.
Yesterday afternoon at work,
my spouse called me from home to say a difficult disciplinary incident
had just transpired with our 9 year old child, who is intelligent and
normally cheerful, and also very headstrong. After discussing
the circumstances with my spouse, I spoke briefly with my child, asking
what happened, and then saying that I was "very disappointed" in the
inappropriate behavior.
Later, at quitting time, and before leaving
for home, I went to the On-line Retreat website, in which I have
thus far worked my way up to the Week 7 page.
There, I came across the prayer titled, "You have brought us together
to receive your mercy and grace in our time of need." As
I read the prayer over, it occurred to me that it could also serve
as a fitting reconciliation prayer that our family could pray
at the conclusion of the family discussion we were going to have
to have that night over the disciplinary incident.
I made three hardcopies of the prayer and
went home. After we finished dinner and homework, we sat
together and thoroughly discussed the disciplinary incident, complete
with angry-and-honest-but-not-hurtful words, tears, words of apology
and forgiveness, and, lastly, the necessary corrective parental
instructions. Then, as we continued to sit together, first
we each silently read the prayer (so we had a sense of what it
contained), and then we read it together aloud.
At the conclusion of our joint reading,
no lightning struck or thunder boomed, yet there was a discernable
Peace in our midst. Afterward, while preparing for bed,
my child still had a few more tears of frustration to shed over
the incident as we continued the work of "getting over it."
In this "family healing" work, your On-line
Retreat website was the medium of a particular grace from God
that helped our family members to reconcile with one another,
and to begin again to live as a family united in love and respect
for one another.
Thank you, and God bless you all for your
work in making this website available to people like me.
In our busy world, having a spiritual resource as this available
on-demand anytime either a few spare minutes appear or when the
Spirit moves us, is a true gift from God.
I just finished week 7.
Up to the moment it was the most difficult week to follow. It took me
two weeks, because when I finished the first one I felt I still had
more to think about. The most important thing was to feel the courage
to take the Lord's hand and walk through my failures and limits. I could
see this week a pattern of behaviour that was very liberating for my
whole life. It is a real grace to be able to follow this retreat, specialy
if I think that I am in the Northeast of Brazil!
It's Week 7, and a major breakthrough.
For years, I've struggled with my propensity for leaving certain
tasks unfinished, and, in some cases, not started at all at both
a professional and personal level. The material both last
week and especially this week has enabled me to understand the
very complex rut that I've found myself stuck in, and, even more
importantly, how to get myself out of it.
Week 8
Week 8 - What
does it feel like to be in God’s embrace? A sense of peace and
joy. I have not been this light-hearted for a while. Even at work.
Little joys are creeping into my life in my interactions with my colleagues.
I am actually having fun, even within the stresses of a 10 hour work
day. This is because I have learned to trust God’s embrace over
these past few weeks. I am trying to bring a conscious sense of trust
into my marriage, too. My marriage has been the place where I have
sinned and hurt the most, but it is also the place where I am finding
God’s presence and mystery. I feel that trust is the ground
from which faith and love spring. I read Jesus words about the Father
in Matthew 6: 24-34 and learned to relax more and not to worry so
much. Not even about myself and spiritual growth. It will come. I
want to be a lily in the field. For everything there is a season,
and now this week, we are into a season of joy and peace.
Yet, I found
it difficult to leave this week until I was certain I could really
taste His forgiveness. I lingered. The retreat for me is not anymore
about “weeks” but about discovering the season of my heart
that lies within each step on the 34 step journey.
I feel as tiny
as a small speck of sand on the beach. God, my Father (and my Mother),
is my morning sun, knowing me, my heart, and my sinful patterns. And
yet she washes over me -over all of us - as the ocean washes over
the sand. He has restored me and filled the void in my fragile, cracked
self. By letting go, I am finding the peace and joy that have been
locked inside me for so long. I am beginning to shine like a tiny
star in the midnight sky.
I’ve tried
to envision being embraced by God, but the image just isn’t
working for me. I can’t picture God making a big fuss over me.
I admit that I have my moments of sinfulness like everybody else,
but I’ve never felt that I was away from God. I know that He
is my father and that He loves me for who He made me to be, faults
and all. Am I alone in feeling this way?
I see myself
in the story of the Prodigal Son as a younger sibling, a toddler holding
daddy’s hand. I join him in being sad when my brother leaves
and my other brother refuses to come in to the celebration. I am happy
with him when my brother returns. I let go of his hand some times,
but he is always there offering it back. I don’t get a big embrace
or a fatted calf killed in my honor, but I’m content holding
daddy’s hand.
But that’s
the problem, you see. I’m standing right here in His presence,
but I let doubts creep in. Maybe I sound arrogant. Maybe I’m
not digging deep enough to root out hidden faults. Maybe I’m
just fooling myself. Help me Lord, in my unbelief and don’t
let go of my hand. I don’t want to dwell on me and my sinfulness.
I want to focus on you, to dwell with you in praise, reverence and
service. (Week 8)
This is the
8th week, and my first sharing. The retreat is a blessing
and an answer to prayer. I had prayed for an extention of lent, because
I felt sorry to have gone through so much just to have it stop. On
Holy Saturday, I found this retreat 'accidentally'. Much of the retreat
is passive. I am not delving into areas, but I still find conversation
with God in the background. (That is a wonderful concept - the background.)
This week I am to feel the embrace of God. It is not happenning -
at least not like in the picture. I had no problem with allowing sins
to surface, even though that is also uncomfortable, but to allow another
to embrace me - I don't know how to do that. I can not remember ever
being embraced as a child. Later on, embraces were things normal people
do. So God has to really talk to me here if he wants me to understand.
What am I hearing?
1. 'Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us'. Can
that also mean that we will know his embrace as we embrace others?
2. Beautiful birds, and the trees. Can His creation be His embrace?
Why else would He have gone to so much trouble?
I would really like it if someone would touch my heart - move me to
tears. The only person I would really trust that to is God.
its nell from tweed
again. thankful for you all this week. i thought last week that none
of the dots had connected for me and i was very distressed and lonely.
but this week i was well able to come into the embrace and rest my weary
head. I found myself doing things i dont normally allow myself to do.
i have a very limited pension and mostly have second hand and opshop
clothes but i bought some shoes and a pair of jeans new. and the voice
tried to tell me i would regret it and had the wrong size and all the
other torments i normally go through. but i found i could come as a
beloved into the embrace and i was ok.
i seem able to quickly run through the image of being created and formed
by god for god and then being given all that is in my world for me to
use. and in week 8 i have been again able to come past
the sorrow and the failures into some real happiness and peace.
i found a drawing of a mother seal with her baby embraced in her flippers
and what i liked was the look on the babys face - which had a combination
of relief and cheekiness and a sure confidence that it was back wehre
it belonged and everything was ok even though it had taken off some
place foolish . i knew how it felt
one good thing is that the further i go in this retreat the less i seem
to have to say. thank you for the retreat and for all the sharing by
the unseen fellow travellers. my daughter comes to visit me from sydney
this week and im sure gods hand is at work in this one . god bless .
-- Nell from Tweed
After struggling
with sin for two weeks it's a relief to look at forgiveness. I pray
for guidance on how to best the make use of this little reprieve.
Even though this week is about God's mercy and forgiveness I'm still
getting new glimpses of sin. I'll share on of these uncovered sins.
I seem to have this attitude that if I see something I like and want
I'm entitled to have it based on my want and desire alone. Forget about
working for it or deserving it. This attitude has to do with material
things I want. Yet when it comes to forgiveness all of a sudden I'm
concerned about my worthiness. Do I have it backwards?
I think I'm a little giddy from the love of Christ I’m beginning
to feel.
Pray for me I'll pray for thee.
Bob
I am on week
8, where Jesus asked his disciple to go back and cast out there
nets.
I feel like the diciples, I used to be in ministry for about 25 years,
my husband and I were very active in youth ministry and just about every
ministry after becoming coordinator for our religious education programs.
Our church was run by a religious order and about 10 years ago has been
taken over by the diocese. After working for 3 years under a different
order has been a struggle. From much affirmation down to being put down
and not trusted to do our ministry, has left us wondering about our
faith and our ministry. But after reading and relecting on this weeks
reading has left me to realize that everything happens for a reason,
and there are times when we have to move back to see where our Lord
wants to take us on the next journey, I must pick up my nets and trust
that the Lord take care of everything if only I give it to him and allow
him to fill our nets with those that he want us to touch, to come back
and feed his children.
I must not allow others sins and my own to keep me from doing my ministry.
I pray the Lord will give us the opportunity to continue and to come
back even strong for I know that when I am weak he is strong within
me.
This past week has
been about love. It has been great. I was able to surrender into the
love. I was surprised at first how easy it was for me. And then, as
the week went on, I knowingly relaxed right into it. I would remember
to smile, and I would feel a lightness in my chest. And feeling gratitide
has become an almost daily excersise. My life is a gift. How I live
my life is a gift to God.
This week’s
reflections bring to mind three friends.
One was my confessor
for many years. His eyes, his voice, were beautiful. When I went to
him with my sins, his frequent advice was, “Don’t be so
hard on yourself.” He never acted holier-than-thou, but met
me where I was and gave me good advice and lifted me up. The last
time I saw him, before he died, he embraced me and said, “My
friend.”
Another was a
priest I met during a difficult time. I was in a foreign country and
so was he. I was in an old cathedral at twilight, simply as a tourist,
when suddenly he was singing Vespers. I wept all the while he sang
and, afterwards, when I approached him to thank him, I dissolved into
tears again and he took me into his arms. When I bumped into him on
the street the next day, he recognized me as if I were his best friend
in the whole world, opening his arms and crying out with a great smile,
“My friend!”
Last, and most
frequently, I remembered a friend with whom many years ago I had fallen
into serious sin. We had parted bitterly, even with hatred. After
some time, I started to pray for this person. Then one day this friend
appeared at my door and said “I’m sorry” and we
embraced for a long time. What courage it must have taken to come
to my door! How I cherish the memory of that embrace!
I am grateful
for these friends and how they showed me the face of God’s forgiving
mercy.
Week 8
Tom, Pennsylvania
Focusing on the
picture of the embrace and relating to this week’s theme I found
immensely satisfying … comforted … touched. I like to intellectualize
things. Embraced this week by God I gave up intellectual games. But
at some point during the week I reread the instructions and introductory
reflections in parallel with the parable of the prodigal son and I focused
a lot on the image of God’s joy at our wanting to be embraced
by his forgiveness. I find this image of God’s delight at finding
us very strong. I think I gave up some time ago the image of the stern,
disciplinary God. But since one of the patterns of the sinful side of
my life is to partition God out of some areas of my life I recognize
that a special grace I receive is His continual efforts to burst through
these partitions. I thank God for this special grace this week. Week
8
I have a hard time
getting excited about forgiveness. There's always the feeling of things
not being quite right. I pray to become happy, contented.
I like the idea
of doing something this week to lift my spirits, to give enjoyment
and peace. What I've decided to do is to "drop the rope"
in a longstanding tug of war with an intransigent bully who's caused
me years of anxiety and pain.
This retreat
is a great idea! May God bless you.
Week
8 I don't want to move on from this week. I haven't "got
it" yet or as fully as I want. I feel very childish and needy.
I also have a dread of what comes next. like waiting for the other
shoe to drop.
It helps so much to be able to share honestly.
Many wonderful things have happen for me this week. Time spent with
people I love, doing things I love to do. So many nature gifts, I
still feel so unworthy. And I see my lack of graditude. How can God
love this?
Thanks for letting me share. I will move on to week 9 as I am.
I am always
amazed at how profound the human struggle is in experiencing the tension
between God's unconditional loving embrace and humanity's overwhelming
sense of sinfulness. There is no way of reconciling the two... the tension
only reveals the giftedness of God's love. Again and again, I witness
the refusal of individuals, including myself at the deepest level, to
surrender to the love of God and to let go of our conception of how
things work and how God must act. I think this is because of the great
vulnerability that comes with accepting God in the fullness of God's
"gifting." Often I see individuals who already have God knocking
on the doors of their hearts waiting to be welcomed and these individuals
know that they have the deepest longing for this God who knocks, but
they are just too hurt, too scarred, too afraid to open the door and
receive the gift of newness. And as I see this in the people I encounter,
I see it too in my own heart especially when I sometimes feel numb to
the experiences of life.
Loving God
I ask you to keep me open to your freshness, the freshness of life that
you offer.
Just when it was suggested that I would have
trouble with the week, I relaxed. The picture of the mother hugging
her daughter was deeply touching and loving. I have looked at myself
and my sins and patterns of sins so much in my life that I suddenly
realized that I was more than ready to move into this week. Joy. I felt
joy in God's holding me.
I
was caught off-guard with the suddenness of my emotions. I knew suddenly
how hard it was for me sometimes to feel God holding me--a "penance"
I have actually been given--because I so rarely have been able to hold
and forgive. My eight babies all died before they were born, so my life
is more full of the adults of this world. If they hurt someone, they
tend to turn away from them in catholic community, because doing the
wrong thing is against the image they want others to have...instead
of turning toward them and saying they are sorry. This adult fix on
image, especially in catholic community, means that the hurt person
doesn't get to feel the joy of the reconciliation. It may be our deepest
irony as community. I am stunned with how much I missed the chance to
forgive people who want me to just move on, without me having any of
the joy of the mother in this picture. All work, no joy. Not fair. But
this helped me see just where my struggle has been. I wanted to feel
a physical and emotional reconciliation, instead of a long, drawn-out,
overworked, heady-ier and underappreciated one. Perhaps some of the
people involved don't understand my need because their lives have been
so much more full of the physical forgiving with their children in the
intimacy of their families. I won't get the reconciliation that would
feel so good to me, but perhaps now I understand what I need more of
for the future, even if I don't get it. I do understand why the image
was given to me as a penance, and why it is the image I need to keep
handy.
I am in the middle of week 8.
This has been a difficult few weeks for me; I have struggled looking
especially at the patterns of my sins and trying to understand shame
as opposed to guilt. This week has been a great comfort to me because
I am feeling the forgiveness, acceptance, and love of Jesus through
the time I spend in the retreat. I am grateful to Jesus for being with
me all day whether I am conscious of His Presence or not; when I choose
(or am nudged) to call Him to mind, I feel the joy of being embraced
by the embodiment of Love. My prayer is to become more and more present
to Jesus throughout the day without being nudged.
This eighth week has not been
as easy to do as the previous weeks since it was just hard for me to
"feel" the love and forgiveness of the Lord. There is a song titled
"The Silence and the Sorrow" and one part of a line in it is "how a
heart could love without conditions" Without looking at the context
of this line, the line by itself took on new meaning for me in the midst
of a very difficult situation. I would like to share a story
about that situation. Recently, I found myself in a situation
where I was in some hot water because of choices that I had made and
the way that I had interpreted some information. I was meeting
with the person above me but below where the hot water was coming from
(I will call this person John, which is not the individual's name).
I had not done anything recently to provide a good image of myself before
John and in fact had done (or failed to do) some things that easily
could have tarnished my image with him. However, John rather was
very kind to me and helped me, even trying to determine if there was
any way that the blame could be placed with him which might get me out
of the hot water. I tied this line from the song with the actions
and words of John. While I know that he is not perfect, at that
moment his kindness and concern was exactly what I needed. It
is said that we need to be Christ for one another, the hands and feet
of Christ on earth, and I believe that in this situation, John was Christ
for me. In his words he showed me in this particular situation
love without condition. His response to this situation caused
me to feel a sense of inner joy and awe. I likened it to the love
without condition that God must have for me. It has been difficult
for me to transfer this feeling to the love of God but I think that
perhaps God allowed me to experience it in relation to another human
as a gift and as a step to one day feel it in relation to God.
I believe that God was not separate from this situation but right in
the midst of it so in a way it is the unconditional love of God at work
in my life.
The mercy of God is
like the calm sea and the wind in the palms. It is like
the morning light that highlights the mountains covered with tropical
rain clouds. The mercy of God brings peace and is awesomely beautiful.
It is the joy of paradise. It is a world teaming with life. It
is what allows me to thrive because within God’s mercy his love
is the most clear to me.
I secretly have prayed for
joy in my life from the Holy Spirit, and even wrote that request
down a few months back before I started this request. I need to
experience the all embracing love of Jesus in my life and to know
that all will be well. I live with a very critical
spouse, one who holds on to past injuries and has a proverbial
mind like an elephant when it comes to remembering and pointing
out my faults. It is so needed for me to feel that I can
be forgiven and loved unconditionally, because there are so many
conditions that we all seem to put on each other. I pray
to experience the great embrace and complete peace of knowing
that I AM LOVED.
A few images have been coming to me this week, that have touched
me . The first image that I thought about when I saw the mother
, embrace her daughter was that of a picture that I took
of my own father embracing my brother. It was on my Dad's
75th birthday and it was a picture of such emotion and true love.
My Dad was not a demonstrative man , but very deep feeling, to
capture that picture said more than words can say.
The second image that came to me was on the day my grandmother
died, as I was at her bedside. As she took her last gasping
breath, she held her arms out as if in an embrace with someone
, someone who was calling her home. It really made me feel
that it was God embracing her and welcoming her home.
The image of Jesus running to greet me after all my missteps,
failings and sins, did indeed bring a powerful image. I don't
often think about how happy God is to see me , I need to stay
with this image of God being gleefully happy at my coming home.
How powerful! Thank You for bringing that image to me.
A prayer
Give me a thankful heart.
Give me a forgiving spirit.
Give me an openness to Your love through Your creation.
Make me in your likeness and image and may my discomfort and dismay
at
not being like you lead me to greater closeness with you.
Amen
I am sooo grateful
for my parents. They were great human models for unconditional
love, Of course, they were sometimes disappointed in things we did,
but they were always encouraging us to try again. I didn't feel they
were keeping score of the number of times we fell short of expectations.
I didn't feel they were going to mete out punishment in kind for
shortcomings.
I agree again with a previous statement made during this retreat.
We don't get up in the morning with intent to do evil. We try
our best to meet needs as we see them with resources as we see
them and hopefully learn from those around us or from consequences
of our actions about better ways of acting. Scary is that
many people get their "concept" of God from their parents or authority
figures that are far from Loving, Forgiving, Caring Teachers.
Thank you God for my parents. Help me to be a loving, caring,
forgiving person. Let me look to Your Son and the many humans
you have sent to show what that loving person looks like in real
life. Keep me seeking You each day every day in the world you
have given me for a purpose. Help me to see that purpose and work
to fulfill it.
Miracle do happen in Faith filled lives, B.C and A.D.
I am in the midst of week
8. Thank you for this resource. "Forgive me my trespasses as I
forgive those who trespass against me." I live in a block of appartments
for which I very reluctantly am forced by circumstances to take
the responsibility of administering. I receive nothing but backbiting
and criticism for my efforts, in particular over the years from an
elderly lady who is nice to my face and actively runs me down
to others behind my back. I have found this very difficult to
deal with, but with God's help, I remain outwardly courteous and
friendly to everyone despite their lack of reciprocation. It constantly
pops into my mind and is very hurful and painful. I dream of paybacks,
but fortunately with God's help they remain as dreams. I have
sinned extensively and constantly throughout my life at a very
serious level and I am realising that despite this God loves me
as I am. Others couldn't "If You O Lord laid bare my guilt, I
couldn't endure it". When I reflect upon my sinfullness and compare
it with the above problems I am experiencing, I am reminded of
"Focussing on the speck in my brothers eye with never a thought for
the plank in my own". Lord I thank You for Your forgiveness. Help me
to forgive and keep me free from sin so that my I might live in
praise of You.
Half way through Week 8, and ‘coincidentally’ approaching
Passion Sunday. What a combination! Today’s (Friday’s) readings
fit the theme of the week so well. Jeremiah calls on the Lord
to rescue him from the hands of his oppressors, and the Psalmist
thanks Him for protecting him from harm. Then, in the Gospel,
Christ Himself escapes the wrath of his enemies. This has been
a hard week for me because I struggle so to forgive myself my
repeated transgressions and wonder how long the Lord can put up
with me. Then I hear the daily readings, and begin to understand
how longsuffering God is. Thanks be to Him for His mercy. Give
me the grace of perseverance.
I am beginning the 8th week of this retreat. I took time
to read the sharing of others for this week. I am experiencing
so many of the same thoughts and feelings. I have many health
problems that would cause concern in anyone, but I only feel peace.
I know it has to be this retreat that is part of that peace. I
always think that I'm not getting as much as I should, or maybe
I should say not giving as much as I should to the retreat. But
always when I get to the next week I see that I have experienced
what was the purpose of the exercise. Thank you so much for the
opportunity to experience the spiritual exercises at home. Like
so many others, I too want to remember in prayer the others taking this
retreat, and all of you who give so much for us.
I feel so loved by God and others as I meditate on the picture
of Mom & daughter embraced in great love. God is so loving
and patient with me. I see my life with so much to forgive and
find it very hard but I believe that with God's grace I will be
able to forgive with all my heart just like I am forgiven by God
and others who love me and also by those that don't love
me. As I start my 8th week I begin to feel this great peace.
Thank you LORD for your merciful love for me and others.
Thank you God for loving me as I am, and not as I want
to be.
On Sunday, the first day of week 8 in church, Confessing
to God that I have been a sinner , I was surprise to realize that
I just recited a prayer like a sinner habitually not a true sinner
with the remorse from my heart. In the middle of the week when
I saw the tree that has few leaves because of the cold through
the window, the naked tree is thought to be much like me
in front of God. Strangely Instead of being ashamed , that
made me feel free and humble. that didn't discourage me. And I
thought that when spring comes again, God will give my tree pretty
leaves as He does the tree. But the leaves of my tree is likely
to have shapes and colors that My God wants to give. So God, whose
Mercy and Love have no condition and limit, will lead me to walk
in His ways. God will rejoice at my changed mind like the mother
of the picture.
Week 8 was to be a special week but
I was not "together" as I would have liked to be. I prayed
but I was scattered. It was not easy to let myself be loved
- my head knew it but it was not reaching my heart. The
embrace of the mother was a great help and I tried to feel my
Father/Mother embracing me and whispering that all was well.
It did not come easily but i will continue into this week.
There were times when I could feel the prayers of all of you and
i in turn prayed for you. May we all continue in peace.
The wonderful picture
of my little girl asleep on
Saturday morning fitted into this week's
thoughts beautifully. I still cannot
believe that God could love me
enough to entrust us (my husband
and I) with caring for a child!
The picture of the embrace (8)
sums everything up. God has given
so much to me over the years
that gratitude seems insufficient. When
one is so imperfect it is
impossible to conceive of loving
forgiveness that is so perfect and
makes for humility. This retreat
is making me think about so
much and is a wonderful
way of incorporating God into a
very busy life as a phys ician,
wife and above all a mother.
I'm beginning week 8.
I want to experience God's merciful love. I want to smile
and live in the joy of being a forgiven sinner. The last
six weeks or so have been difficult. I've revisited old
pain at a deeper level. It's been very painful. I
know this is where Jesus has led me because He wants to heal me.
He has also given me wonderful reassurances of His love.
But the pain is still there. I've become aware again of
how sensitive I am, how hard I work to be what I'm supposed to
be, to not be what I am. I don't like being highly sensitive
with such needs to belong, to be accepted, to be reassured. I
fight these tendencies because I want to be strong, to not need
reassurance. I want to get a new job, to get away from a
very critical boss, but apparently it's God's will I stay where
I am because I've been passed over for several vacancies.
I trust God. If He wants me here, it's to heal me.
I hope and pray that I can relax into His merciful love and smile
with the joy of knowing I am a forgiven sinner, that He loves
me and made me this way because He loves me like this.
I am beginning week 8. The
remarkable timing of this lesson this week overwhelms me.
As I sat printing out the materials with the photo of the
mother embracing her daughter, I was waiting with anticipation
for my daughter to return from her weekend retreat. Waiting to
embrace her and welcome her home.
As I waited, I read that this was
a week .."to surrender to God's embrace.." I rejoice that
I am finally at a point where I can do that, something I would
have never been able to even a few months ago. This retreat
has helped me with self acceptance and I have been undeservedly
blessed by caring people in my spiritual life who believe in progressive
healing. They have been the arms of Jesus here on earth
who embraced me and encouraged me when I felt worthless.
Later that night I went to see the beautiful
dramatic presentation by the Franciscan mystery players. In the
play, when Jesus embraced the leper, I knew just how the leper
felt! I am so grateful! I have the physical muscle memory
of being hugged, hands being laid on me and being embraced. I
now am able to do the same for others and my heart is so full,
so overflowing with love in the new ministries God has put in
my path. Praise God for his compassion and mercy! I thank
God for everyone involved in this retreat, and for those who believe
in the ministry of healing.
I am in the middle of week
8 of the retreat. I am at a time in my life where it is difficult
for me to truly believe that I am completely forgiven and embraced by
God. The reason for that is because I was recently hurt by a situation
that involved my pastor. I feel betrayed by the church and people
that I have felt close to. It was like a suprise punch in the
stomach. I did not leave the church as some thought that I might.
But I do feel anger and even resentment for what has happened.
Part of me wants to let go of the anger but an even greater part of
me wants to hold on to that anger and nurse my feelings of hate and
anger. How can God truly forgive me when I am not really willing
to turn from my sin of anger. Even in Confession, I must intend
to change my life and turn away from my sin before I can approach God
to forgive me. I do not yet feel that I want to work toward getting
away from these feelings but in a sad way want to nurse them. It is
only such a small part of me that is seeking to reconcile and forgive.
Yet, I suppose that it is that same small part of me that truly knows
that God is embracing me in his loving arms of forgiveness. Please
pray for me.
I'm now in week 8.
Amazing, but I find this week a little harder to concentrate on than
previous weeks. Perhaps being Catholic it was easier for me to
focus on my sins than simply baske in God's love. I am trying
to thank the Lord at every moment this week and make that my center.
I pray for everyone on this retreat ... that the Lord will guide us
and we will be open to receiving His grace.
This is week 8 and
my week to imagine myself in God's loving embrace. It started
out well, I was able to do it. Then I got the phone call that
the doctor was unable to get a heartbeat and my friend's baby was dead
in the womb a few weeks before it was due to be born. In my spirit I
know that God is now embracing this tiny baby. But in my flesh, my heart
is breaking. I have prayed for this baby and his mother for months
now and I love them both. Please God, help this family. Please God,
let me continue to trust you despite the tears I am shedding and the
terrible pain.
The Online Retreat continues
to bring wonderful gifts. As I write this, it is the 3rd anniversary
of the death of my father. The last 2 weeks in the retreat (8)
the story from Luke 15 of the prodigal son has been among the readings.
I love this parable because the father shows unconditional love for
his son, and it always reminds me of how my own father would have reacted
in that situation.
I
am well aware that I am fortunate to have had a father who loved deeply
and was committed to his family the way my father was. And I
am more aware than ever that my Father in heaven gives an even more
immense love. I am grateful for my father, for this retreat
and chance to share, and for my connection to God that is being strengthened
every day.
I am in my 8th week
and am basking in God's love..
I
have always felt somewhat connected to God and the Church but there
was this gap that I could not seem to close. I had been praying for
the grace to close the gap and I was blessed in finding this wonderful
retreat which is bringing me closer to Jesus and filling my life with
more meaning and happiness. It has taken me 73 years and the
journey has gone in many directions but thanks to Jesus, St. Ignatius
and you folks at Creighton things are definitely looking up and I
will continue to pray and work to stay close to Jesus.
I
pray for all my Brothers and Sisters who are participating in this
Retreat that we may all experience the love of God. Thanks again for
this spiritual experience.
I've been thinking that I need to share
something. I am in my 8th week of this retreat. I don't
think I have missed one night in getting on the internet and trying
to find out what God is saying. I make copies of the sections
recomended so that I can pick up the pages at any time during
the day to feel some closeness to God. I am still in an
isolated situation with my dementia husband. I believe some of
the anger I have felt for putting myself in this position has been
healed, silently, but still healed.
Some
of the sharing I have viewed by others seems so eloquent and I almost
envy what some of the sharers are experiencing. Some of the daily
Scriptures have given me insight into some of my own sinfulness, but
while we have a Eucharistic Chapel at our church, I am not able to
visit there.
Thank
you very much for this retreat program. It came to me at a time when
I know God was ready for me to have more of Him. I enjoyed the Advent
Season immensly. Several times during the season, I should have written
to those who furnish their meditations. The pregnancy of Mary and
Elizabeth became very real to me and I could relate to my own pregnancy
of Advent and the difficulties I encountered along the way.
I
read the pages on sharing tonight, because I would like to remember
each person who is trying this retreat in my prayers. I have met many
who have never experienced retreat. I hope that everyone who begins
will somehow find a way of finishing. It is beyond my wildest desires
to know what I will eventually experience before the end -- 34 weeks.
Somehow I don't want the period to end. I am looking forward to beginning
the ninth week this coming Saturday. I change my wallpaper each week.
I didn't think of the picture for this week as being Jesus loving
me, but I related it to me hugging my daughter. One time I was holding
one of my young grandsons at Mass. And I experienced so much love
for him, that at that moment, I knew that that is how much God loves
me. It is good to know that He always loves us even when we seem to
be failing at life. I do keep a journal, but this info will not be
in it and I thank you a lot for allowing me to just ponder what it
is God has going for me. I think I feel you listening. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
As I read Tom Shanahan's
words (8) I thought of my own long-standing image of a punishing
God. As a 45-year-old cradle Catholic, I tended to attribute my negative
images of God to my 1960s Catholic upbringing and schooling. With the
help of this retreat, though, I'm becoming very aware that I am responsible
for my sinful patterns (like blaming others for my faults, like rationalizing
my sins rather than confronting them and recognizing them as rebellious
acts against a loving God), and most of all I'm becoming continually
more aware of the daily presence of Jesus, a loving Lord and Friend
who has not, will not abandon me.
Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me this
morning. I have just started week eight. I
paused as I read the part in "Getting Started" suggesting I sit
and immerse myself in that embrace. It wasn't easy.
A song came into my head: "Purify my heart, let it be as gold
and precious silver". Yes, I do aim for purity, for rightness
before God. My purity is white, crystal clear. Cold,
hard. Imagining the embrace, I became aware that God wants
me to be Gold, not White/clear. Soft, warm, loving. How
can I value that embrace without feeling love in return to God,
to my family? That's what God wants me to learn this week.
I've a long way to go, but with God's help...
Then, I read on... Smile? Done!
Recall a song? Done! Don't you love it when God's plans come together?
Blessings, Sue
I am so thankful for this retreat online.
I have always wanted to make this retreat and was only able to do it
once. I am in the 8th week today and when I saw the picture
and read the "Getting Started" I was filled with joy because at
the end of last week I had an image of Jesus holding me just like in
the picture. I do feel I am on a journey and at times I feel alone,
buy my faith is the one constant in my life that keeps me going.
It is good to know so many people are taking the time and doing the
retreat I will ask you all to pray for me as I will pray for you. |