Online Retreat Sharing

Reflection on my response to God’s healing mercy.- How can I express my goal in life in light of the past few weeks? To find a way of being. To love. To serve. To be at peace. To be ready for anything.

Some observations….kindness and good will are needed to connect and to listen. Humility before the truth is needed to work with the truth. Transformation depends on this connection. Yet strength needs to be found in one’s gifts and special talents to build outward and inward, to equip one for the two journeys, and to find that balance that is necessary in order to be truly useful in God’s creation.

Renewal is critical. There are so many layers of being and of personality that in order to truly transform oneself, it is necessary to slay one’s demons and move on, and move steadily on, with out undue fretting or delay. Hope is the looking forward to the power of love to heal and make whole. Our inner lives ultimately yield and surrender to this power. We become instruments but the work is done by love itself, through God’s grace, not by a willful person.

Yes, mercy is an “unjust grace”. Pride and vanity continue to surface. Remember, I have done nothing to deserve this. I am ashamed and confused….by my sins. But I joyfully, gratefully and peacefully accept God’s healing mercy, even with the memory of my past rejection of it.

I have been persistent in self-improvement. But now I am perplexed. Does some level of goodness reside in me or does it come from God? I recall that I have been confirmed as a “soldier in Christ” when I was young. Maybe now I am discovering what this means.

Good evening,

The past hour or two I've been reading Sharings. Such encouragement!

I'm reminded once again . . . we are all sinners, saved by grace. How much we need each other! (Isn't that just like our God to provide for us through His Body which He instituted through the Church.)

Tomorrow begins my tenth week of this blessed Retreat. I look forward to digging deeper, and listening more intently. Seeing Christ (as Mother Teresa said) in all faces. (I try, but am not always successful. Please pray for me, and I will for you.)

At this point I'm realizing how very much Jesus, and the Father, love us, regardless of who we are, or what we have done . . . "or failed to do".
What a family THEY have created! Awesome God!
Our diversity is beautiful!

Together in prayer, I believe we can help to 'turn things around'; not only in our own lives, but in the 'lives' of others . . . even the world! (Iraq, Iran, Lebanon, Israel!) We can, through our prayers, and the power of the Holy Spirit, be a beginning of another significant breakthrough!

"Pray brothers and sisters, for the Peace of Jerusalem!" Psalm 122:6

I'm noticing that God's mercy,forgiveness and love for me is giving me the ability to take a closer and more objective look at old sins. I've done moral inventories before but was never able to see my sins so clearly. I feel healing has at last begun. God's promise that He will heal me gives me hope.
Glory to Your long suffering Lord.
Keep praying for me. I feel it working. I'll pray for you.
-- Bob

this week brought my daughter to me for a long weekend from sydney. the message of the weeks has begun to truly be a bakground for me and not as consuming or difficult to integrate. so as we spent time together i was aware of the healing. i am a heroin addict and the lives of my children when they were little were reallybad. its many years since ive used drugs and we have been healed in many ways - but again this week i could feel the healing between my girl and me. she is 27 now and i am 56. the scars are there but only a few wounds are still infected. this was a special time for us . my son and his family are normally here and we have wonderful and loving times but this time - followiing thier move she and i were alone. healing mercy to me - was my young lady asleep on my bed . meeting my friends and sharing in the life i have here. cooking meals and laughing in a way that most people thought would never happen. healed and blessed far beyond what i have earned.
i knew when i moved into this little cottage one year ago that it was as they say a ' god job'; and that good things would happen here. and so they are. and when my sons family moved away from the area - i held to the belief that god had work which he needed to do for them and for me. and here already is this lovely time wiht my girl. on these beautiful southern autumn days in australia.
love to you all. Nell from tweed

Bartimaeus is one of my favorite people in the gospels (Mark 10:46-52). For years, I have frequently found his prayer the cry of my heart: “Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me!” As time passed and I lost my friends, however, I found the few remaining acquaintances I had treating me with pity. Suddenly, I found my favorite prayer repulsive: “I don’t want to be pitied!” And the cry of my heart fell silent.

Then, one Sunday at Mass, I heard Psalm 86, verse 16:

This followed close on the heels of Wisdom 12:13, 16-19 with, in its few verses, the word “might” three times and the word “power” twice. Then came Romans 8:26: “the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness.” That day, God’s word taught me that when you ask for his pity, he gives you not the helpless look and clucking tongue of human pity, but God’s infinite strength.

Since then, the words of Bartimaeus have returned to their rightful place in my heart and I pray them with new confidence in God’s healing love.

I found this week’s reflection more difficult. I was restless and impatient. I had to reread the instructions and supporting materials on several occasions. I kept coming back to the fundamental promise and reminder that this is not a course in self-improvement. This week I think I was so much into looking for perfection – the perfect work week, the perfect retreat, the perfect relationship with God. Then, of course, I was disappointed. I felt let down by some people over some things at work. I wasn’t feeling perfect. I realized that it’s quite easy to fall back to patterns of sin. So I really needed to hear the promise that it is God who is seeking me. It is not my efforts at perfection that bring healing. Rather it is God’s work in me and my cooperation.

I was reflecting on how I return this love and was moved by a story in the magazine America about a Jesuit priest Father Dent who had been a missionary in India, returned to the US because of a serious health problem then spent 30 years petitioning to be allowed to return to India. The writer is confused by his absolute obedience to his community but deeply moved by his witness of faith. Father Dent’s advice to the author is to say the prayer he prayed constantly, “Lord Jesus, I love you with all my heart”. As I read the article I thought that I do not feel the same compelling call that Father Dent had or at least I do not discern it as clearly. But this prayer is a good prayer to adopt as a response to this week’s reflections. Week 9

I can barely type this through my tears this morning. They are tears of love and gratitude to my dear Lord for this love He has for me that I cannot truly understand or fathom. To know, for certain, that He has always loved me, through it all…the muck, the mire, the beautiful, the blessedness, the ugliness, the sadness, the happiness and on and on and on…He has never abandoned me and never will. The healing mercy I focus on this week…to feel this wounded soul of mine being cleansed with the ”blood” and the “water” on an old scrubbing board, so gently, up and down, up and down, baptized over and over, even though I know there is only one baptism. How I can see so clearly how God is using everything and everyone, as He always has, to touch me. The people who are on this same journey with me, their sharings, their prayers, the bearing of their souls to help me and all of us…those spiritual people who planned this retreat to bring us all to our wonderful and loving God, right where we need to be. My son, Steven, who planted the seed about St. Ignatius’ retreat many years ago, and then, Anne Bingham of Living Faith Daily Reflection who wrote about this in one of her reflections and watered that seed…and St. Ignatius, himself, for using his gifts to lead us to the Cross of Jesus and find joy and peace there. God is blessing us all, I am sure…June

right now, i am in a separation that came about by my own design and through my own infidelity. in past weeks, the retreat reminded us that no one gets up in the morning and says "today im going to sin", and that sin often appears as something we think we need and is good for us. thats why it is the great deceiver. and i have allowed myself to follow that deceit. so much of it makes no sense, and now that i have truly realized my sin, and am seeking to make amends, it appears my wife wants no part of it. i may lose everything that is truly dear to me.

but, and i know this sounds crazy, had i not felt so alone and desperate, i most likely would not have found this retreat, i might not have entered therapy, nor would i be as hungry as i am to get to the next level spiritually. today, i will be visiting a priest who i have known since i was a child...to make a detailed confession, and to ask him to serve as my spiritual director. none of this would have come about except through the suffering i am feeling from my own sins and their effects on those whom i love most, my wife and children.

i want to be free of my long held patterns of sin and failure and feel the acceptance and love that god has for me. i'll keep going, no matter what. he keeps calling me...maybe finally i will listen.

I decided to share this morning because the suggested readings included one from Paul to the Ephesians chapter two which reminds me that we are loved and treated much better than we deserve. I sensed that Paul knew me in that I felt anger at the time of reading this passage. How could he say that to me; I have been a good person and I work hard at being a nice guy. I deserve something better than being admonished that I am loved inspite of my mistakes.

Underneath the defenses, I hear Paul's words and they strike a blow for humility. In relative terms to what I read on the front page of the paper, I am good, but it doesn't take much effort and I see my failings. Paul's words are finally comforting. I can never win God's love; it is just a given. It is there for me anytime I want. Like a mother or father's open embrace, God's love is unconditional won by the sacrifice of Jesus.

There is only one invitation, though it comes in many forms. Christ invites us to the cross.

I found this week’s reflections quite a blessing compared with the previous week when I felt restless. I did deeply reflect what I would say if my wife came and said she was deeply committed to moving to quite different environment responding to a deep need or call. At this point in my life I would respond quite positively. Would that always have been so, I’m not sure. I resisted the temptation to answer the question so then “what is God really calling me to do?” I stayed with the invitation. But I contrast other times when I have tried to answer a “call”. I reflected before that I was sure when I was in my early 40’s that I had a deep calling to pack everything up and move to Africa and then surprising myself in deep discernment that my calling was to remain where I was, doing what I was doing. Similarly, after a big disappointment at work when someone else was chosen to be CEO of my company I was sure I had to find something else but I was not going to damage my family and colleagues in finding it. I was restless to find this and maybe even annoyed that God didn’t oblige with a nice CEO role somewhere else. I don’t feel this anymore. So I’m not sure where this journey will take me but I’m thankful for release from restlessness. Week 10.

The Lord, on the other hand, selects isolated places to show His glory and it can be very lonely places externally and internally ( in my heart ) - so different from the glamour of Hollywood parties. He invites me to be with the ostracized and, in the process, being ostracized also. He asks me to forego the riches of this world, which means I can never have a Lincoln Navigator nor a BMW. It is so counter-cultural and a way to failure in the eyes of my relatives and friends ( never mind the world ).

But the Lord invites me to look at my life in perspective. He has sent strangers to minister to me materially and spiritually : e.g., an acquaintance giving ( not lending ) me food money when my pocket was empty, new friends sprouting out of nowhere to replace those who have abandoned me ( because I am a failure in their eyes ), and a new career in social work beckoning me to be with Him in " distressing disguises. "

Still, the world seems a harsh place with high tuition fees and low salary rates for those who serve His people..because they/we have no paid lobbyists nor trumpeteers in the news media...Somehow, though, I will make it with Him. I just don't know how. I cannot see beyond the bend, although I see sparrows and seagulls thrive through winter without hands nor theories to equip them. The Heavenly Father is more than enough for them. I trust Him to be the same with and for me.

So I drop my nets ( including my earthly wisdom ) and follow Him, dying to my fears and being born into His Kingdom which human eyes hath not seen nor ears hath heard... Because, Yahweh, I know you are near ( Psalm 139 ).

I had tremendous resistance to going forward when something might and in all probability WOULD be asked of ME. With all my baggage of fear, control, criticism, and judgment I thought I would never move forward. Then I thought of a yard sale or flea market! All you can do is lay the item out , no matter what the condition, and hope to sell it "as is". If no one buys it you can always give it away. Well, I'm laying myself out for the Lord to take, any or all of me, as He sees fit. I can't sell myself, so I'll just "give myself away" to He who collects all the "junk" of His earth. Wishing all of you a great day in God's "flea market" !

I started the retreat soon after I met the first person in my life who seemed to understand everything I said, and had been many of the same places in her soul as I had been in mine. For about a month we shared very deeply, enjoyed each other's company nearly every day and were pretty much in love. I can see now how foolish that was, but who sees such things at the time? Then I said things of which I was very ashamed, and since then it has been a struggle to maintain contact and build on what was good in our friendship. This has been the biggest 'dying' of all for me, and is still going on. It revealed how much anger there was under the surface, and that God wants to deal with that before I can go any further. It has probably been the cause of my recurrent depression, which has often paralysed me in my close relationships. Please pray for me as I work through this with my loving heavenly Father. He is showing me how much he loves me in all this, although it doesn't always feel like that!

Again, I want to express my thanks for the opportunity for this spiritual 'workout'. I've never embarked on anything like this before, and I was a liitle wary of starting, but it's turned out to be the biggest adventure of my life. I feel if I can see this through I'll be able to cope with all the frustrations and contradictions of life so much better, and be of so much more help to those around me. It's happening already!

The greatest part of all is that now I AM able to reach out to others in true love instead of some sense of duty. I have longed to see the good in others the way that God does and now I can. I have heard the psychology of first having to accept yourself before you can accept others for years. But that was not possible for me without the deepest realization of God's love and acceptance for me first. It was in my head, but not in my heart or deepest core of my being. For the first time in my life, I have seen Jesus in the eyes of those I help. Thank you Father God, thank you Jesus my savior and Thank you Holy Spirit, for your steadfast love.

But as I look, as I love, I cannot turn away. There is no other way. And my best response (Psalm 100) bursts forth:
“Cry out with joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness.
Come before him, singing for joy.
Know that he, the Lord, is God.
He made us, we belong to him,
We are his people, the sheep of his flock.
Go within his gates, giving thanks.
Enter his courts with songs of praise.
Give thanks to him and bless his name.
Indeed, how good is the Lord,
Eternal his merciful love.
He is faithful from age to age.”

I found this week both empowering and then latterly challenging. I kept coming back to the central prayer, “in these or similar words”, and resting with it. In fact, when I think of where God might lead me in the longer run I can more authentically say, “I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will”. I recognize that as the prayer says God’s invitation is “gentle, not the fear-filled one I fretted over”. But I found it more challenging to respond “yes, Lord” to the everyday events I encountered. Of course, I was more fear filled of some things I had to do t work than I am of God’s invitation which is silly. I also had a concrete sense of my shying away from responding “Yes Lord” on Friday when I went round to visit a friend of mine. He has been ill but is recovering and also just broken up with his partner. I did spend a lot more time with him than I had planned but I felt I should have stayed longer... that he actually needed my presence. I didn’t respond “Yes” as quickly as I should have. I preferred to go back to doing what was on my “To Do List” for the day.

However, I’m writing this in Florida looking over the Gulf as the sun rises and the waves break on the beach. I guess I’m stealing a little time before winter personally starts for me. In some ways, though, using the retreat method of reflection at different moments in our day is for me a little like these quick moments in Florida, they provide the sunshine and warmth that remind me of the power of God’s love in our lives. Thank you for providing this opportunity for grace.

I am on week 11 of this retreat and I thank and praise God for guiding me here. I have done a lot of reflecting and praying over the last couple of months but this week has really touched me. We have many native Canadians in this city of Toronto and I guess I have become complacent like a lot of people I guess. I have always associated them as the other people. I justified my thoughts by thinking what more can they ask for.They get tax free benefits and the government has done their best to compensate them for the injustices done to them long ago. But I realized that this is not about money or compensation but about acceptance into mainstream society. The majority still live on reserves and are basically treated as second class citizens.The fact of the matter is that god says that in his kingdom there are no blacks or whites or red or yellow. We are all children of light. Our faith tells us that God's kingdom is here on earth not just in heaven. I have become more aware that these are people in need of help not just monetarily but to help them become part of the one family of Christ.

God Bless all who are on this retreat.
Pat

I'm thinking about doing the next few weeks in a shortened form (Sun-Wed and Wed-Sat) so that I can get on with the Liturgical Year for Lent. I hope that works out well.

Then, as I continued to read the part about how in responding to Him, I become the authentic person He created me to be my fears evaporated! What a chord this struck with me. I have been focusing for the last couples of years on trying to become the person God created me to be! I can see where my unique experiences in live have equipped me to be of service to others. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have been able to share that with many others. My husband and I have experienced God working profoundly in our marriage and we have been given the opportunity to share His healing with other hurting couples through the ministry of Retrouvaille. I also meet with two other women weekly in an open 12 Step group where we share and minister to each other on a deep level.

God, I believe, is saying, "don't look at where I'm leading you in the future. Look at where I've brought you today". When I look at just today, I find it much easier to give Him my "yes" wholeheartedly.

Part way through week 12, falling in love with Jesus. I have loved Jesus for a long time, but this is a time to let Jesus show me more of Himself. As I try to be open, I am also finding that I am seeing God the Father. They are One, so when I see Jesus touching people, I am starting to see the Father touch them as well. (This is new for me.) Can it really be that the Father not only gave His only Son for us, but He also gave Himself? I want to love God more. As with last week, every yes brings love closer. May I always speak and live that yes. And when I don't, lead me back.

hello to all on retreat.i was travelling to family throughout week 12 and i tried to have the background theme running but i couldnt quite understand it. and battled to grasp the feeling of jesus here on a mission from god. i suppose that seemes foolish. i could glimpse the compassion of the father looking at this world and sending his son to us . i could see me travelling from my son in one city to my daughter in another and understand just a glimmer of the divine taking care of his loved ones. and when i was with my son and his family the joy and delight in seeing these young people who have struggled and run wild - now fine young adults - warmed my heart.
on the last day of my trip i went to work in sydney with my daughter to see what her daily life is like so i can imagine her there when im home here 1000 kiloometres from her and as we walked through a long cold railway tunnel in winter - this lovely young woman bent to each busker and each homeless person and smiled and put gold coins down for them. and her compassion was a