Week 15
Week 15: This week I reflected
more on the themes of God's promise and how Mary and Joseph were active
in responding to and fulfilling that promise. I'm particularly attracted
to the scenes when Jesus is brought to the Temple and also when Joseph
decides to move the family to Egypt. I see in these themes that Mary
and Joseph both have a deep commitment to fulfilling God's promise.
Each act … just the basic concerns about where to stay and where
to be safe … are committed with their responsibility clearly in
mind. But just because that is the intention -- to do God's Will --
this does not mean that they have certainty or knowledge in everything
that they do. Joseph has lot of prayerful discernment about where to
stay. He is acutely aware of the political issues and the consequences
of power. He needs to move the family even to areas where they are unknown
… essentially refugees. So much is also happening for Mary. She
is a good model in that she resolves to reflect rather than react or
overprotect Jesus.
I think that Jesus must have learned a lot from his earthly parents:
Mary's love and practice of reflection; Joseph's practice of discernment
and keen sense for what is going on around him. All of these bound together
by teaching and community worship.
Then I think of my own family. How well am I bringing God's promises
to them? I have a wonderful wife but she rarely comes now to Mass with
me (she did when the children were growing up). I see my children as
active and concerned in the world … well developed social and
political antennae. But they have given up the practice of public worship
now that they have grown up and left the house. I keep asking myself
what is deficient in my witness. Maybe there is nothing but being more
patient … try to model more Joseph and Mary's pattern of trust
in God's promise … remembering to be realistic and reflective
at the same time.
This is the 15th week. Jesus
is born in the stable. The picture seems so nice. Would Jesus have been
born into such a nice picture today? Today's stable would probably have
been as rough as it was 2000 years ago, but Mary would have been there
to love Him. Who is this Jesus? Again I see the Father wrapped up in
the birth of Jesus. It was the Father who wanted to send His son. What
father would not be there loving his son? I see fathers with their newborns
coming to church. They spend most of their time staring at their babies.
They sit and stare. Was the Father there in the stable too, staring
at Jesus? Maybe even greatfull for Mary's part? Today I heard the Gloria..we
said: Lord God, heavenly King, almighty God and Father.....Lord Jesus
Christ, only Son of the Father, Lord God, Lamb of God....Are they the
same Lord God? This baby is Lord God!
greetings to all of you from Nell on the
Tweed. its been a strange week for me and i didnt expect the images
to come as they did. what happened to me was that i could feel the stable.
i live in a very small cottage which i rent from some lovely people.
i have had some real ' no room at the inn" times in my life and
recent years have seen me homeless and without possessions. then one
day i was blessed enough to be led to this beautiful wee cottage on
a fine hill. my little grandaughter said " you can see everything
god can see. the whole world. " then we had some wonderful times
over the last year with a new baby and my son thriving after some rough
times. and then in april they decided to move about 7 hours away to
the mountain city where his father lives. im writing all this because
i have battled to decide what im going to do and how i will handle life
here in ths valley with them gone. and i still dont know. i have been
desolate and then hopeful and all manner of things.
now as the week 15 went on - i felt much as i did when
our little baby was born. and all the love and joy amidst the battle
we have as a family on welfare. there has been so much love and delight
in our lives over the last few years with many wonderful things happening.
. But - as i imaged the stable - i reached a vision of the little family
going to egypt but i was left behind. and i sat in a corner with my
cloak over my head . desolate and bereaved. my own cottage seemed like
the stable and was all messed up and grubby. and i lacked the wherewithal
to do anything about it. then it came to me that i were left behind
as an elderwoman to clean the stable up. to make it into a special place
and to be there to tell anyone who came that the baby had been born.
that i was left behind to bear witness and i brightened up and cleaned
up my own home. began to cherish the memories and the love . i dont
know what god is asking of me next but i can at this time - keep the
stable clean , know how deeply i am loved. know that i have a different
role than i did as a young woman. be here if people come . that the
poor and the ill of us are loved and precious. jesus came as one of
us and doesnt look down on us. not as we wrinkle up , not when we seem
to be the failures of this world. it is ok. he doesnt look down on us
when we dont have enough food for the week and struggle to cover the
rent. he smiles and gives me the love of my children and the rich variety
of people i have in my life. so for now. i stay here. i cant seem to
write this more succintly or clearly but it has been a great comfort
to me . i know i am meant to have a human experience just as jesus did.
in all its dimensions and this for now is my season .i sit on the back
steps of our meetings place with my people in recovery and i am just
fine. i have seen the baby smile with the wisdom from before time. and
hes smiling at me .
I started this before Christmas and now it
is January 5th. So much going on in my own “stable”…moving
my Mom, who is in early to middle stages of Alzheimer’s disease,
to our home. She does not understand that the “overnight Christmas
Eve stay” is really the final move from her own home. It has been
a good transition, so far, but I cry that the easiness of it is because
she can no longer remember the simplest things and she speaks to me
as if I am her Mother and she is my child. As I was sitting in the stable
with Mary, Joseph and Jesus, I offered to hold Him and stay up the rest
of the night so they could rest. It was so peaceful, holding Him and
kissing His sweet baby cheeks. Giving them this respite reminded me
of how, when my children were babies, my own Mom would do this very
thing for me. I sometimes wonder if Mary had to take care of her Mother
in this way. Like Mary, I treasured all these things in my heart, but
because of this new situation in my home and my tiredness, I fell asleep
in the stable more times than I’d like to admit. The other morning,
my Mom arose a little later than usual and I had time to tell Jesus
how sorry I was for that. He held me and told me He understood and I
believed He did.
-- June
Imagining the birth of Christ proved difficult
for me. Having been in a delivery room four times, it seems impossible
to reconcile the messy miracle I witnessed there with the miracle that
St. Francis described as “light passing through a stained glass
window” (thus preserving Mary’s virginity). However Christ
was born, it is too mysterious for me to imagine, for me to be present.
So instead,
the image that was offered to me was that of an innkeeper who turns
Mary and Joseph away. I am that innkeeper and they are at my door, Mary
seated on an ass, uncomfortable but resigned. She is, without compare,
the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. It’s kind of hard to
listen to Joseph, she is so dazzling. I cannot take my eyes off of her.
I know that he is asking for a room, as hundreds of others have, and
my response to him is automatic by now: “No room.” I am
not resourceful enough to think of offering them the stable. The smell
and confusion of the lodgers literally tripping over each other behind
me distracts me from Joseph’s response, until I hear the word,
“Adonai”—then I realize that, instead of cursing me
as so many people at my door have, he has offered a traditional Jewish
blessing. At that word, I notice his eyes: deep brown, young, filling
with tears in his fear and confusion. He turns and leads Mary away and
I watch them go, wondering, until they are out of sight. Then I shut
the door and do not answer it again.In the next few days, I hear of
the shepherds’ visit to the stable, and their reports of the heavenly
host appearing above the fields outside of town. I cannot get Mary and
Joseph off of my mind. Scripture (Matthew 2:11) tells us that by the
time the three wise men found Jesus, the Holy Family was living in a
house. As an innkeeper, my duties very often prevent me from leaving
my house. However, on one day I am walking neither to market nor temple;
I am not really sure why I am in this part of town on this sunny day.
Perhaps the census is over and for the first time in weeks, my inn is
empty for a moment. Perhaps this is the same few poor houses where I
grew up, before I shrewdly earned enough to buy my poor inn. The sun
is bright today. This date palm I remember with fondness. Then I see
her at a doorway. She is turning to go inside and she sees me, sees
me staring and quickly I lower my eyes. “Sir? Do you need a drink?”
I am astonished by her confidence; to speak to me, a stranger! But she
is like a child as she steps inside and returns before I can even reply,
a small wooden bowl of water in her hand. She is standing in her doorway
with that bowl and I am in the dust of the street. I am embarrassed
by her offer, by her beauty, by my own age and ugliness. I notice the
smell of my sweat and the heat of the day, hotter in the face of her
lintel’s shade and her bowl of water. She extends the bowl a little
more toward me and sunlight strikes the rocking surface of the water,
but not a drop spills. I step. She smiles. I feel like she is taming
me, like the cats I offer scraps in the alley. I hang my head, conquered,
and close the distance to her bowl. I empty it, breathing the fragrance
of her youth. I hand her the bowl and she is looking at me with indescribable
tenderness. Her incomparable eyes! Immodestly, I steal a glance through
the door. A boy, his bare skin the color of the earthen floor, sleeps
on a reed mat. After all I have heard, he appears to be just another
poor child. She smiles at my seeing. I bow my head in gratitude and
scuttle away.For the rest of my life, I keep my eyes open for this marvelous
woman and her ordinary-seeming child, but soon, I hear, they have left
town. I wander down that way again and, sure enough, that house had
different tenants—ugly cries filled the air, the kind I would
more expect here among the poor, the kind I remember well. Though I
never see them again, though I turned them away, I feel, oddly, that
they came for me. Their love penetrated me. When I bathe my feet, my
feet remind me of the baby’s feet—as if they were mine,
as if HE were mine. I laugh at myself. But I kept these things, reflecting
on them in my heart.Tom, Pennsylvania
I am thankful for the shepherds and wise
persons in my life who have brought me to the stable where the significance
is clear: God is alive in all the messiness around us ... in our own
lives and in the world at large. At
our family Christmas gathering the center attraction was my 3 week old
great-nephew. We all took turns passing him around and so imagining
the real baby Jesus was not hard. I also got to thinking about my sons
(now grown up) when they were babies. I think at the very earliest stages
I could sense something that was each one's unique essence (despite
how everyone tries to tell you how much they look like you). I actually
cannot name that essence but I can feel it. I think that this is what
happens in the encounters at the manger. I imagined the shepherds as
some of the real poor I have encountered in out-reach ministries. I
am reminded that often they have been the most grace filled people ...
sometimes caring a lot more about me than I deserved. I can see them
naming the essence of Jesus. I sense their transformation ... as Luke
recounts they tell everyone what they found. Simeon also sees the essence
and can name it. I think it is also significant that Jesus' essence
is named not by Mary and Joseph... they are faithful to naming Jesus
as they had learned from the angel's proclamation. God chooses unusual
messengers for all of our lives. Mary and Joseph are witnesses as to
how to respond. Mary reflects and Joseph is willing to take action even
if it is personally hard to do so.This week I also found one of light
and darkness. I enjoyed deepening my reflection ... particularly seeing
Mary in a fuller, more human terms and not the flatness of the Madonna
portraits. Of course, it was also great being with my family at Christmas.Then
the darker spots ... I got also to thinking about how neither of my
sons seems too interested in the Church or spiritual life. Have I been
an inadequate witness?I also got more anxious about going back to work
this week, which is somewhat irrational ... I have a meeting this week
which I would rather avoid as well as feeling there is a too much I
need to be doing. Then I realized that this was what the season is really
about. I need to face up to the dark spots in my life but give them
over to God because the reality of the Incarnation is that's precisely
where Jesus is born ... not in the pleasant places in our lives but
in the uncomfortable places sometimes in the midst of serious conflict.
When I started this retreat, I had no idea
that weeks 15 & 15a would be right in the middle
of Advent. Oh, how it helped me to prepare for the birth of Our Savior
in a way I have never done before. I know that God was guiding me to
this revelation and I thank Him for the understanding of Christmas that
I received.
God Bless you all,
Jackie
i just began week 15. its
christmas day, and most of my family is together to go to mass. one
of my sons is a recovering alcoholic who has stopped going to meetings,
and although not raging in his addiction, still drinks and exhibits
many addictive attitudes. to his credit, he also has a steady and good
job, lives on his own, and tries his hardest to do the right thing.
but there is still much between us that triggers resentment.
today he came for mass dressed in old jeans, a long sleeve t-shirt that
looked like he slept in it, and a couple days growth of beard. i sort
of busted his chops about it because he can never seem to get himself
together to be presentable like an adult (he's 23) but always seems
to have money for stupid stuff. this has been a source of tension between
us and a reminder of times when things were totally out of control.
in any case, he was really hurt by my chiding...and he said something
hurtful to me later. even though we got past it ,it lingered with me
the whole day. ours is a family that has endured much lately...addiction
and recovery, abuse, separation., infidelity, so the tension was high
to begin with, as everyone hoped we could "do it right".
my wife and i talked later, and she said "how must he feel about
himself if he lets himself go like that?" i realized that he must
be feeling pretty bad about himself. then i read the letter of paul
from the readings for the day after christmas, where he says that sons
should honor their fathers, but that fathers should not provoke their
children, lest they become discouraged. it struck me that i had it all
wrong. no requirement of a dress code existed at bethlehem. the circumstances
were humble. christ's life was then spent among the thieves, tax collectors,
prostitutes, and lepers, the ones who were hurting or unbelievers. he
didnt chide them because of how they looked or smelled or acted. he
invited them in to his kingdom. he healed them. that ticked off a lot
of folks who thought things should be different.
years earlier, at a mass at a rehab center where my sons had been, a
visitor commented that the mass was a disgrace, because the sharing
was often raw and uncensored. i responded "who should really be
in church...those who are believers, or those who need to be ?"
i found it entirely appropriate that addicts could express themselves
frankly to god in crying out for his aid. i doubted that a merciful
god would be offended half as much as uptight "believers".
i understood at that moment, but flashing forward to this christmas,
it's obvious i forgot completely and became just like the fellow who
complained.
i realized today that my son had become my teacher...he reminded me
that what was really important was that he chose to be there, with his
family, to share with us, even if his faith is challenged or his resources
few. everything else was unimportant. i now feel silly and a bit ashamed
about my self serving complaints, but blessed that i learned the lesson
i needed to learn. my son showed up...he was with me and his family.
that was a gift, a gift i overlooked because of the packaging., and
because of my own thick-headedness and expectations of what "ought
to be".
isnt that exactly how the world missed the gift of jesus?
I am starting the 15th week
of retreatI. I am a little afraid of my human ineptness.
But I want so to experience what I suddenly experiened during my prayer
after communion twice last week. My own thoughts were suddenly
and completely interrupted by an intense, powerful, and very warm
presence. I had to struggle to let go.
Using my imagination to contemplate
the birth of Jesus and the events that surrounded it during week
fifteen was not as easy as it initially seemed it should be.
This was partly because I would stop and wonder if what I was picturing
would be accurate to the time and place when the events occurred.
However, I did pray before I began and did let my imagination work to
create the scenes. The most special grace would have to be that
of imagining holding Mary's hand while she was giving birth. At
one point I was just focused on her hand in mine without seeing her,
Joseph, or the coming baby. It was strangely special. It
was a human moment. A moment that became more special as I contemplated
it later. It was a connection on a human level between two people.
As I am writing now and thinking it seems as though at that point in
my imagination it was her wanting my support as she went through the
human process of giving birth. But in reality, it is probably
more me needing her support as I seek to live my human life in concert
with her Son.
I was reading through the section
"in these or similar words" and was suddenly struck by this thought:
the writer of this section was praying and thinking with the traditional
understandings about Jesus' "humble" birth. Jesus was born in a stable,
smelly, cold, rough. As the song goes, "the little Lord, Jesus, no crib
for his bed." We usually think of Jesus' birth in this way-Jesus came
to poor humble people as a sign that he would be savior to those in
need. He came into poverty.
But, here's what occurred to me-the baby, Jesus, was born with everything
he needed! He had loving parents who warmed him with their love; He
had Mary and her breast and her mother's milk. It's our perspective
that more comfortable surroundings would make a difference. A palace
without love is a cold scary place, but a rough stable filled with love
had everything that the baby needed.
If we can agree that love is the meaning of life, then Jesus was born
with everything he needed. Maybe he was born this way to show us this
truth. Where there is love we have everything we need too. When we love
God and each other we are that loving place filled with everything God
needs to be with us. Despite our faults, our weakness, our sinfulness,
when we have love God has everything God needs to work in and through
us. Jesus' birth wasn't humble, it was glorious because of love! Week
15
It is difficult for me to "get
into" the family scenes to better understand those that were early influences
on Jesus. I have had too much; I have doubted too much.
However, I am trying each day to enter into and become a part of this
blessed family's circle. I cannot imagine that Week 15
will only last seven days for me. Each day I walk with a good
friend, and I am turning the part of the journey when I am alone into
that long and arduous walk to Bethlehem. I am calming the donkey
that carries Mary; I am touching her hands; I am feeling the back pain
that must attend her pregnancy and the jolting of the donkey's footsteps;
I am walking beside Joseph, worrying about the consequences of this
trip at such a time. Beloved God, allow me to feel some of the
pain, the anxiety, and the fear of this journey. At the same time
let me taste some of the joyful anticipation that must also be there.
Reflecting on the nativity, I sense
the magnificence of being part of a family with children. It is the
vocation of Mary and Joseph. And for the first time, I noticed that
the nativity involves the only instance in my recollection of scripture
where an unnamed, average person sees and speaks with an angel. This
happens with the shepherds. It seems relevant that this event occurs
with the birth of Christ. With the coming of Christ into our lives,
it is like we are visited by a angel who brings us an unbelievable message
that seems to go unnoticed in history and to most of those around us.
Lord, let me know your presence through your angels. I wait in the fields
of my labor, just an average person doing an average job. Be born unto
me again. Week 15
At the beginning of the week, I found myself
having trouble entering the scenes of Jesus birth and infancy. Today,
during my hour of adoration and with the help of the “In these
or similar words” section (Thank you, whoever wrote those words),
I held the babe in my arms. I smelled the manure and the urine in the
hay, and even imagined burping the infant Jesus after Mary fed him (I
could almost feel Him spitting up just a little). As I knelt there in
this scene, it occurred to me that if one focuses on the filth of the
barn-like surroundings one misses the beauty of the gift that is present.
In a similar way, if one focuses on all the ‘evil’ in the
world, one misses the beauty of life. It was for me a moment of awakening.
Again, thank you to whoever wrote the beautiful ‘words’
section for this week. It truly opened a door for me.
Thank you very much for all the special
on-line helps around Christmas. I loved week 15 and 15A - I guess it
is because I love Christmas. I followed your prodding "to find
a bit of straw in the stable and to sit." As I tried to be unobtrusive
and quiet I was astonished at the beauty of Mary as she cradled her
baby. She signed to me that I could hold him. I did and
gazed into those unseeing eyes - but were they really unseeing like
other babies of a few days? I was not sure. I felt the warmth
of his tiny body permeate me as he waved his little arms and wriggled
against me. He was so like other babies and yet he wasn't - I
wanted to protect him and yet he was protecting me and at the same time
reaching out to the whole world. I stayed a long time in the stable...and
have visited often...and been gifted beyond measure.
I have been so wrapped up with myself, my husband,
and our families that it seems that there has not been time to get to
my retreat material. I just printed the most necessary parts to
see what I have been missing. I stopped reading during my Week
15. While I can justify doing this: perhaps I am grieving
the attachment of losing my husband, who is gravely ill (I have him
at home and I am the sole caregiver), my grandson who went to court
this past week to plead guilty for drunken driving in which three of
his friends were killed (all were drunk) (he has not been sentenced
yet) but it doesn't sound good. My grandson is only 30 years old
with lots of potential. I am sure God will see that that potential
is realized. But the pain of it all is almost more than I can
see for myself. I really am not looking for material riches and
I thought I have been trying to find the spiritual poverty in my life,
but during these past weeks it has been hard to find much peace.
Last Sunday is the first Sunday I have been able to attend Mass.
A caregiver helper which I met by accident at the WalMart asked me what
I needed. I needed someone to relieve me of some of my duties and she
suggested coming on Sunday morning so that I could go to Mass.
A miracle for this to happen. Father Mancini came and gave John
the last rites within minutes when I though he was dying last week.
Another miracle. Other Holy Spirit things happening that same
afternoon. It would take pages to describe it all. Only
until tonight when I was guided to my computer which has not been on
all of that time. I have been praying but how much I have needed
the guidance of this retreat to help me. It would be good if I
could have someone to discuss some of the things with, but I guess God
want just me and Him to figure it all out. Sometimes I see myself
as being too old to have much life left after He takes my husband but
I guessed tonight that that has been corrected very gently by Him.
The first response of the Outline for Week 18, I am guilty; The second
response, I have been guilty for many years, always justifying what
I want and translating it to what "I know" God wants. My desire
is becoming purer. I can recognize a little of what He is doing.
I only want what will be of greater service to God. Perhaps peace
will come as my husband still clamors to hang on to life. I pray
that God would take him peacefully. I have only been married to
him for 11 years yesterday and today during the Week 16 Online introduction
I wished I had all the answers to my John that the writer was asking
asking questions on what do we know about Jesus. I am so sorry
for my failures. Thanks for your internet intercessions on behalf
of all of us who need to know ourselves better only as we can know Jesus
better. God Bless.
What a refreshing study this week (15)
is turning out to be. During the actual Christmas season, life
is too complicated and rushed to really meditate on the birth of Christ
as this week suggests we do. The Christ is delighted to have me come
and visit His birthplace, His mother and Joseph and all the rest of
the characters so real and beloved. God continues to enrich our spirits
with new ideas. Thank you for your contribution with this retreat
to this senior citizen's spiritual growth.
Week 15 and focusing in on
Jesus' "hidden years." I mean, what did He do for 18 years-12
to 30? What did I do? I grew up. He did too.
My father divorced my mother when I was 14 and it was devestating.
Did Joseph pass when Jesus was about 14 and did He say to Himself, "I'll
have to be the man of the family and take care of Mother." Did
He spend His time carpentering and studying? He was growing, learning,
loving and did His duty to His mother until it was His Time to show
His Light to those outside His immediate family. Jesus at 14 is
much to ponder. Don't you know He had a great smile!
During the past year, I have struggled mightily
with my mental health. I was involved in what proved to be a disastrous
romantic relationship. There is an ugly and deep-seated hostility
festering between a once close family member and me. I am wondering
just where I can wedge a light for the Christ Child in my tattered and
frantic heart. After much prayer and soul searching, I know now
that I do not have to be the perfect receptacle as I await the coming
of our Emmanuel. I need only hollow out a small place of watchfulness
and anticipation and peace. Mary and Joseph could not have fully understood
the bone-deep changes their newborn would bring to their lives.
During this holy time in the dark of December, may I give birth to an
unexpected me.
Gracious God, most loving, generous One --
thank you for the gift of your son, Jesus, whom you gave to us so that
we might begin to understand how beloved we are. As a mother,
and a grandmother, I have often pondered this gift. Today, I realize
that in giving us Jesus, you give us yourself -- your very self.
We can never really understand this. We can only bow with wonder
and humble gratitude. Our only response can be to give back
what you have given us -- Love -- and to do so to each one we encounter,
as best we can, murmuring our prayers as we go. Thank you, Holy
One.
Thank you for the deep communion I feel with
my Catholic brothers and sisters. I am a protestant pastor and
have been so nurtured and nourished by this retreat. Christ
is so very Large, and yet as tiny as a new born. God Bless
and Thank you!
Week 15 and getting into and
being with the relatives of Jesus-Uncle Zechy and Aunt Lizzy we'd say
down South. Last night in our parish we celebrated a Mass for
the unborn and said a rosary prior to Mass. I live in the Baptist
bible belt and I sometimes joke with my Baptist friends, "You don't
like Mary?" The rosary sounds like it's all about Mary when really
it's all about her Boy-the focus is on Him. How can we get to
know somebody unless we know his kinfolks? I had not said the
rosary for several months and had forgotten the special "calming" graces
of all those Hail Marys. At times last night I would just sit
and listen to the soothing hum of my fellow parishioners, "Holy Mary,
mother of God, pray for..." Last night I awoke and felt that same
calmness and serenity as I drifted back to delicious sleep. "Forgive
us our tresspass as we forgive..." just will calm your soul my
dear brothers and sisters. The Saints are smiling at us - can
you see 'em?
Week 15a
Week 15a: I liked the opportunity
to stop and reflect. Going back to work after the holiday it was hard
to keep in mind the scenes of Christmas. But maybe that was the point:
I revisit the theme of promise … God's promise comes alive in
a humble environment and certainly not in splendid circumstances. So
I pause to give thanks … to consider that like the Magi I might
offer my gifts and trust that the life embodied in that promise will
grow and continue to contribute and like Mary and Joseph to spend time
in thankful reflection.
Imagining the Details of Jesus’ Birth.
Week 15a. Not
easy to get into the scene, because the images have become so set over
the years in the culture and mindset. They have become somewhat static,
but the story itself never ceases to communicate truth. The shepherds,
the wise men, the stable birth, no room at the inn. The flight into
Egypt. Many scholars tell us there are embellishments in this story.
Do these add or subtract? Also for me the fundamental issue of Mary’s
“innocence.” If Christ is human, he must have had a father,
yet we have the mystery of the virgin birth. Do I really believe this?
And if so, how can Joseph go along with this? Enter the angel. Enter
the dream. The
story is full of meaning on many levels. Even if parts of the story
seem far fetched, it is part of our cultural tradition and Christian
folklore. Yet the historical Jesus did exist as man and there was a
birth. So entering into the scenes is a personal challenge for me. I
am exploring the historical versus the mystical Jesus. My renewed faith
pulls me toward the mystical. My sense of truth accepts the embellishments
though unreal, as expressing a deeper truth. I must enter the scene
as a real, extremely flawed person, subject to the same tempest of faith,
factuality, reason and doubt. Where
do I fit in among this world of images, stories? What character am I
in the journey into the birth process? I am reminded of my own saying.
Humility before the truth is needed to work with the truth. I
discussed this contemplative prayer technique with other friends in
a weekly prayer breakfast. Some people asked “What is the point?”
Others thought this was an extremely useful form of mediation and exploration.
Others talked in general terms about the meaning of Christmas and its
importance. One special friend talked about the importance of “intention,”
for example, by comparing the wise men’s purpose to Herod’s,
who had cynical motives and a selfish, tyrannical interest in the outcome.
The wise men have yet another dream and they return home without advising
Herod. We are with the wise men in our desire to follow the star. And
the importance of poverty. We are with shepherds in solidarity and humility.
So the interwoven images of the poor child and redeemer king draw me
in but make it difficult to come close. Am I a wise man or a shepherd?
Do I follow dreams and angels? For
me Christmas is full of symbolism and happy family memories. I am drawn
to my father and my grandfather, one aging the other a distant memory
from my childhood. I love to be with my sons during this time. I pledge
to share my faith in meaningful ways and not lay any heavy judgment
or guilt trip on anyone in the family who may not embrace or see the
same meaning. My life however, draws me toward the circumstances of
my own marriage and the parallels with Joseph. My
entry point into the story is therefore as Joseph’s close friend.
I compare my life with his predicament. When I am cynical, I am saying
to Joseph not to marry her. But I myself did marry my sweetheart when
I was young and so I change my mind and tell Joseph to go ahead, to
believe his dream. We were outcasts, our families looked askance, be
we remained a team, two people in love, a couple struggling to acquire
some basic things - and it all culminated in a humble birth for our
dear son. St. Elizabeth’s hospital did make room for us with their
free care program. We did thrive as a simple family unit in the following
years. I am the one who put all of this in danger with my egotism and
pursuit of selfish desires. It is time to heal and make whole. I have
faith and trust for everyone in my family and there is no need to put
any divisions into our tight little family unit. We need to treasure
these bonds and nurture them. And extend them some day as individuals
and community members when we are ready. Multiply our love with others.
So I am Joseph’s friend, maybe brother or uncle, and I can say,
put your trust in the Lord and even in man. Follow your dreams. If someone
lets you down, stand up and try again. The Lord will never let you down.
Don’t let selfishness or cynicism stop you from reaching your
better self. There, in the humility of the stable, you will find and
hold Him.
I’m on week 15a of
this great adventure. To anybody looking in at my life nothing has changed,
yet I know everything has changed forever. The last 5 weeks have moved
me profoundly. Initially I found it difficult to say yes because of
the implication namely accepting God’s Presence in my life. I’m
also beginning to appreciate that God is present in everything.
I feel so privileged
to be given the opportunity to meet and fall in love with Jesus and
through him the Almighty. Country of origin’ language, culture
seems less important than Trust hope faith as we are all connected by
LoveDivine inspiration has obviously been the bedrock of this site I’m
very grateful for thisBest wishes,Ger, Dublin Ireland
The special grace I came back to this week
was the grace of silence … not trying to talk my way through my
uncertainties but letting them rest with God as modeled by Zechariah.
The central piece
of my imagination being present in the stable revolves around the conversation
with Joseph and Mary when Joseph tells me that they have decided to
move forward to Egypt. I have just been holding the baby Jesus and even
though the stable can be cold, smelly and murky I like being here. Joseph
tells me that they will be packing up soon and moving to Egypt. I have
a hard time taking this in. I look at the baby and wonder how anyone
could harm a life-form that seems to bring so much happiness at all
levels – the very poorest and the rich and wise foreigners. I
want to continue to hold Him. Joseph tells me it will be fine. I’m
welcome to journey with them. “To Egypt?”, I ask. Joseph
reminds me that his namesake in history lived there not because that
was where he wanted to go but where he found himself and demonstrated
how openness to where we are now can be done in faithfulness and hope
and demonstrates how God can be active in our lives. Mary now is cuddling
the baby and reinforces Joseph’s invitation. She reminds me that
all one has to do is to have faith in God. I see that this is real for
me. I began the week not wanting to go back to work. I wanted to remain
at least in the stable. “After all this is still the Christmas
season, why do I have to deal with either mundane issues or issues where
there is no simple solution?”, I tell myself. But this is where
I am. I may well already be in my Egypt. I certainly want now to travel
with the same faith as Mary and Joseph and to nurture Jesus I any place
I find myself.Thank you for the opportunity to journey with you on this
retreat.
I started this retreat to help me through
a divorce and the changes in my life. From the beginning I have chosen
to look at the miracles that have blessed me during this difficult time.
As I looked at the divorce papers I found on the kitchen table after
getting home from work – At the bottom I envisioned they were
signed “love, Jesus”. I have trusted that this is where
I am meant to be at this time in my life. At times of loneliness or
sadness I literally have raised my right hand and taken hold of the
Lord’s hand and felt his support. My friends, church and family
have all been an overwhelming support to me and I count my blessings
daily for this experience that has filled me with so much love as humbling
as it is. This
week has brought all these things together – the baby Jesus grasping
a finger as I have reached for God’s hand so often the past 10
months; finding such peace in the humility of my new surroundings like
the Holy Family in the stable; and the last line of “In these
or similar words” it says “Thank you for coming to me, to
all of us, as we are in our own stables, standing in the darkness, wondering
what comes next.” Everyday I have wondered what will come next
and each day it has been something wonderful or wonderfully challenging
to immerse me even more completely into this new, deeper commitment
to Jesus.
As I read this week, I could not help think
of the many times when I have left Jesus standing outside of my stable
of life, saying Jesus wait until I finish this task or another task,
then I take time for you. Each week I am becoming more aware of the
love of Jesus for me, the many graces I have received and a deeper desire
to do the work of God. May God forgive me for the times, when for some
menial task, I have left Jesus waiting.
week 15a: I haven't shared
for a few weeks, I feel very disconected from the retreat. I did have
very strong feelings reading the "helps" this week.
Part of my problem is same old stuff, I didn;t feel as I was "good
enough" to be with the Baby Jesus and his family in the stable.
Still very sad over that. Will continue to move forward. I would like
to share I felt just a hint of closeness to Jesus as I recieved Holy
Comumion this past week. First time ever in my life. Thank you Jesus.
Looking back over the weeks of retreat, especially
the last six weeks I pondered the questions that this week asked...""How
much more do we understand who he is? How is our love growing?"
Last week
I was very much apart of the nativity scene. As a child I viewed this
as the coziest scene in the world. There was a mother, a father and
animals all aglow looking down lovingly at Baby Jesus. The love I felt
for Baby Jesus was the love my mother and father reflected onto me.
Next I reflected on the years of being a mother of small children and
seeing the baby Jesus through the eyes of Mary and Joseph because I
knew how much love my husband and I have for our children. These were
touching scenes of love and warmth.Something interesting happened this
week as I entered the scene along with the three wise men. I felt for
the baby Jesus and all he would have to go through in this life. His
crib became the cross and I felt such a sense of disappointment for
all of the suffering Jesus entered into and for all the painful circumstances.God
chose to put His Son in poverty to suffer, to be misunderstood, to serve
and encourage. I find myself disappointed like the other Jews who wanted
a savior more like Cesaer or Superman. I realize for the nativity scene
to not be a disappointment for me at this present time a shift in vision
is needed which requires greater trust and faith. For this fruit, I
am grateful.
Week 15a. This week serves
as a review for the the past weeks. Several thoughts came and went.
God's love for me that Jesus, son of God, was born to save me. Mary's
faith in accepting the mission.
This morning, a very strong feeling came. My anger towards my mother
was so great. My reason told me that I did not not want to be troubled
with my old memory but in reality I still feel the anger inside me.
I think that's where I need to ask for God's help and grace. I need
God's salvation in this area. Lord, have mercy on me.
The main grace that I believe I
received in the review of Week 15a was to look back over all
of my past sharings. I am trying to share at the end of each week
so this was a nice review of the last fifteen weeks of my journey.
There were many special graces that the Lord has blessed me with.
In our fast-paced multi-tasked world, it is easy to let some special
moments slip into the background when they could bear much more fruit
in the foreground of life. This week enabled me to pull from the
background some of those special moments of grace that have occurred
in the last fifteen weeks. It was nice!
I am grateful for this time to
reflect back on the graces I have received and to revisit areas
that I need to delve a little deeper. Thank you for building this into
the retreat. This has been a rough week, many challenges, the
in between time has been sparse. During a lunch break this
week, I asked a mother who brings her young infant into my work almost
every day, if I could hold the baby. She allowed me to,
and there I was in the quiet of the room. I sat quietly with the
infant and kept thinking how Jesus became so vulnerable as a baby.
How can I even grasp this? God becoming so small, for us.
I feel small at times, weak, and when I looked at this infant
I realized what a gift it is to be small and dependent on the
One who made us. (Week 15A)
What a relief to have a week of
review. I have been keeping an online journal in bits and pieces
throughout this retreat, but the further I get into the retreat the
less time it seems that I have to write down my thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps there is an element of fear there. If I write down my
reflections, that makes them more real in one sense. Thoughts
running around inside my head can be as wild as I like, but words on
paper - or even on a screen - seem to acquire some weight which makes
them more significant.
As I review the graces so far, I have to admit that I have come farther
on the road to Jesus than I could ever have imagined by such a seemingly
simple method as an online retreat. And I am grateful that the
journey continues and keeps going. For while God might be an odd
travel director by conventional standards, I find myself wanting nothing
more than to continue this journey. Week 15a.
I wondered last week whether I was supposed
to do weeks 15 and 15a at the same time, but decided to go the long
way and do them separately (without looking ahead, that is). It is good
that I did, for two reasons. First, it is clear that they are meant
to be done one at a time, and second, I needed this time to look back
over the first 15 weeks. The pictures helped, but what really did it
for me was reading the sharing notes for those weeks. Some were recognizable
as my own, but all brought back the images of the weeks. All also helped
me see my progress. It amazes me to realize how much more at peace I
am with myself and with Jesus. I have been praying all along for the
grace of perseverance to finish all 34 weeks of this retreat, and now
feel energized to continue and to stick with it. Lord, help me, I cannot
do it without You. And thank You for the blessings You have bestowed
on me.
For a couple of weeks my retreat stayed the 15th-a
week. Just remained there and savored what I have received last weeks
as the help said. And this week's retreat lead me to the deep contemplation.
Especially I often contemplated the meaning of Jesus' poverty. I tried
to find His coming into the poverty of my lives. As the time passed,
My everyday's lives seem to make more connection with the graces that
I have received through the journey.
Day 215 (review week - 15a) I have
been visiting Jesus, Mary and Joseph in the stable at Bethlehem. I have
sat in awe of this Infant, a sign of God’s Love, (as all infants
are, or should be), and thought of His life, together with Mary and
Joseph. I tried not to think in terms of His Godliness (and their Saintliness),
but rather of their humanity. I saw in Jesus a human being, who gradually
came to know who He truly was, and His destiny. I saw in Mary and Joseph
loving parents who surrendered themselves to the Holy Spirit, although
they too were not sure of where It would lead them. I saw the Holy Spirit
revealing to them what their lives were all about as day followed day,
as event followed event, until that Last Day, when Jesus was crucified.
"After this, aware that everything was finished, and in order that the
scripture might be fulfilled", Jesus said, "I thirst". I thought of
the moments just before His death, when he gave his mother Mary to his
disciple John as her son, and to John, his mother Mary. I saw in this
act Jesus’ love and concern for Mary. The future of a childless
widow was not very promising in those times, and so Jesus, as his last
act, ensured the safety of Mary, as he placed her in the care of John.
Having followed the human Jesus from his birth to his death, I will,
like his disciples, now glory in His resurrection, and adore and worship
Him as God, the Second Person in the Blessed Trinity. I’m not
sure if my thoughts are theologically correct, and hope they offend
no one. It’s just my way of trying to understand, and distinguish
the two natures of Jesus, and what it means to be "fully human" and
"fully divine".
Week 16
Week 16:
This week as I reflected on Jesus growing up I thought about the incidents
in his early ministry after he took up his calling. I asked …
"what especially prepared you, Jesus, to heal … to anticipate
the murmurings of the religious authorities … to see the fundamental
goodness in disciples like Levi and the other disciples as well?"
I think it broadened my view of Jesus. Somehow I always had thought
of the miracles as having just occurred through some miraculous intervention
of God working through and in Jesus. Similarly, in calling the disciples
it was almost as if God the Father had "text messaged" Jesus
with the signal … "that's the one". But looking at it
from a developmental point of view, I see Jesus' "incarnated"
much clearer.
Maybe he hung out with healers who knew the power of touch together
with understanding the overall person's needs. Maybe he experimented
with their theories. I also see Jesus following after Joseph and building
a big barn for the landowner. "Why does he need so much space?
He pays us with a small amount so we can bake bread but what will happen
to all that wheat if he dies tonight?" they discuss on the way
back. Then as Joseph sets out around the village and surrounding area
… making repairs here and there Jesus accompanies him and talks
to people. He finds that he listens and often he can get to the root
of what their issues are and they appreciate this. They find they know
themselves a lot more after talking with him. He sees family members
missing when he returns to their homes and finds they have leprosy and
so have departed and left the family. He feels the separation and knows
instinctively that these are also fundamentally good people. Of course,
we get a glimpse early in the Temple when Mary and Joseph go up to Jerusalem
and we can imagine as he progresses he reads and discusses more. But
he has a gift for understanding that Scripture is more than an intellectual
exercise. He relates it to a burning sensation that he has about what
God wants him to do and he sees that somehow it is and should be relevant
to the people he meets in his travels around the village.
So I feel I see Jesus in more dimensions now and I ask for the grace
that God will similarly use the developmental experiences in my life
to manifest his kingdom and that I can help others find their gifts.
Week 16:
I find entering into Jesus' "hidden years" particularly fruitful.
Because the Gospels tell us so little, my imagination has freer rein.
However, I've hit a snag that has set me wondering. I see Mary not as
she appears in much medieval and current church art -- blond, serene,
virginal -- but rather as a thin, wiry, dark-haired Hebrew girl, someone
who matures into a strong, perhaps muscular young woman. A person who
can haul water, carry firewood for the hearth. Someone who laughs easily,
perhaps raises her voice now and then in irritation. And -- here comes
the "snag" part -- I want to see her as the mother of many
children, not just the mother of Jesus. Family life is complicated,
hard, and I want Jesus to have siblings that he argues with, bumps up
against. In other words, I want a "holy family" more like
my own (I'm from a family of five children, had three children of my
own, and am
grandmother to four). But if my imagining goes against orthodoxy, does
that matter? I'm not sure. Mary IS the mother of many, Jesus IS the
brother of us all. So I'll rest in that thought for a while.
I think
of Mary holding and handling Jesus's "divine trust fund" for
the early part of his life. She observed so many extraordinary things
and what she did'nt see first hand Jesus told her about. Being w/o sin
must of made Jesus different in many sublte ways. I see this making
him feeling confused and alienated at times . So who else but mom would
he talk to about his feelings. I see her being an ordinary mom but intelligent
and ever growing in wisdom. Much of what she knew I see her keeping
to herself when Jesus was a child. How could she burden a child with
such wisdom. He need to play and explore so she held her own counsel
and let Jesus be a child. While she confided in Joseph some she didn't
want to burden him as well. My awe for Mary grew with this exercise.
"Jesus I love your mom too. Thank you for giving me a little glimps
of why You made her queen"
This type of imaginary sharing with Jesus is making me feel closer to
Him. It's happening!
greetings
to all of you . Week 16 remained rather hidden for
me. and seemed to pass very quickly.i was at home a good deal alone
. I think i was a little misled by reading too many other peoples ideas
on Jesus life in those first formative years. esp as an adult. It took
me a little from the images that were coming to me and i found a good
deal of resistance to seeing him as a compliant carpenter and son in
those times. i imagine he was always seen as a little odd. and i prefer
to see him drifting off into ideas and thoughts and conversations than
obeying social norms . it seems more likely to me. The time alone helped
me to consider the work god does in the hidden times. like a volcano
forming unseen by others really.
i was also seeing images which helped me greatly in my own life of a
spirit come to earth in the babys body and learning all that was wonderful
and terrible and ordinary about being human.
on one day i could almost see jesus saying to his father in heaven -
well this looked like a good idea when we planned it - but FEELING and
LIVING it is quite something else.
and i could sense the decisions made along the way. as to which way
he would go. what pain and love he could handle. what foods he wanted
to eat. Like a rolls royce come to earth in a mini minors body .
i have never quite been able to see god as human before. i could see
god in a human body but this week i could see that he actually BECAME
with all the crossroads we reach. Love to you all.
-- Nell from Tweed
Starting
this week trying to reflect on Jesus’ hidden 30 years, I focus
much on Jesus as a baby, probably because my daughter and her husband
are expecting their first in June! It has been a long time since a baby
has been in our lives for longer than a week or so; just a visit from
family or friends who live far away. Imagining Jesus as a 3 or 4 month
old baby brings a smile to my face! My own memories of my children as
babies flow in and, then, I imagine Mary and Joseph laughing and treasuring
each new and wonderful thing their baby, Jesus, does or learns…the
“sweet baby cheeks” and hands and feet! Did Mary ever think
ahead while kissing those sweet parts of Jesus…it’s a good
thing that God only gives us what we are able to bear and reminds us
not to worry about tomorrow…As I think of Jesus’ chubby
baby hands, I am brought back to memories of my middle son, Steven,
at the age I am imagining Jesus. Steven is preparing for the priesthood
and one day while at Mass as our priest raised the Body of Christ during
the Consecration, I pictured Steven’s baby hands that will someday
be graced to do the same…tears flowed…tears of missing him
so very far away, but, also, tears of joy and thanks for that vision.
Then I imagined kissing baby Jesus’ sweet hands…His palms
that would bear the nails one day, and the tears flow again…sorrow,
sadness, then, joy and thanks for what this Holy Child did for me…for
us. Prayers for you all. June
As
much as I desired otherwise, Christ’s “hidden life”
remains hidden for me. My imagination, usually active, yielded but two
brief glimpses: a boy running, bare-chested, grinning broadly at me
as I tried to keep up; the writing hand of same youth hovering over
the “chai”, the Hebrew symbol for the word “life”.
The only other fruit
of this week came from watching some of my children’s best friends
suffer under the advances of a bully. The school’s administration,
cowed somehow by the bully’s parents, refused to do anything.
So my children’s friends, under constant threat, had to leave
the school. I kept thinking of how Christ grew up in the shadow of Roman
occupation, how tax collectors and even temple leaders collaborated
with the occupiers out of fear. Of course, even Christ had to flee them,
living in Egypt—surely no welcoming refuge for a poor Jewish family.
No images of Christ in exile came to me, though. Just the tears of my
friends.-- Tom, Pennsylvania
Lord
Jesus, This
week I contemplated your life between birth and the recorded beginning
of your ministry. What was your life like? How did you develop? I thought
of the early days. I imagine that for 5 years or so you were a refugee
in Egypt.Your memories of that time were probably vague as you developed.
You would have remembered certainly that it was not a comfortable time.
Your family met up with others in the desert. Yet you also remember
it as a time of faithfulness. Joseph and Mary would tell you then and
remind you so many times thereafter that this exile … this wandering
… was an essential part of your faith history … God had
been faithful in days past to the exiles and would continue to be today.
You also remember how as a community of exiles you came together and
shared. And the desert wasn’t such a bad place itself. Yes it
could be bitterly cold … when the winds whipped up you remember
how dusty it became and quite sore too … like hailstones …
but when it was calm you remember the night sky and the vividness of
the stars. You can’t remember what the wandering sapiential mystics
of the time said but you could remember that you could see how they
found God in the roughness and beauty of that place. When you returned
to Nazareth you sometimes missed the vast quietness of the desert and
later often sought out the hills to recover some of the prayerful beauty
of quiet places.And when did you start to discover who was your ‘real’
Father? I imagine you in the years leading up to your 12th year. Now
in Nazareth, you are surrounded by family … making new friends.
These are also days when your religious education is more formal. You
enjoy both the formal religious gatherings as well as demonstrations
of your own parents worship at home. These are times when you feel a
special “tug” of inspiration as you learn about scripture
and even memorize Psalms and prophetic writings. Then there is the trip
to Jerusalem. Many years afterwards as you talk to friends who have
children you realize what worry you must have caused your parents. Yet
you found the interaction in the Temple so stimulating you had lost
track of time. You found that the learning and reflection that you had
done in Nazareth resonated even with some of the more learned teachers
of your day. You also knew that the “tug” that you felt
when discussing scripture was something more exceptional. You felt a
deep relationship to God your Father and you were now committing yourself
to following that call.Nonetheless, you went back to Nazareth and for
the next 5 years you worked and continued learning. You were certainly
a leader as you matured. But you also enjoyed relating to people. Later
you reached back to these experiences as you met people from all levels
in your society. You remembered one of your friends who contacted leprosy
and you remember feeling for him and his shame and isolation as well
as the devastation on his family. You recalled later your friend Levi
who took the easy route and became a tax collector. He had everything
he needed with the exception of respect. But you remembered how he was
fundamentally good and he was overjoyed when you accepted him back and
you transformed his life. You also observed Joseph’s patient faithfulness.
Through this you could more easily understand God as a God of Love and
not a God of rules as some of the more pretentious religious leaders
made Him out to be when they passed through.Then in your later adolescence
you started to explore more of the wisdom movements that abounded at
that time. Your cousin John was deeply involved in one by this time
and sometimes you would visit and debate with the teachers around him.
Your simplicity and willingness to get to the heart of the issue often
made people call you”Teacher”, a label which you found hard
to accept. Around this time you had a special conflict because Joseph
passed away and you felt an obligation to look after your mother which
you did. You continued the family business but you would find time to
continue to explore the wisdom movements. Your mother appreciated your
love for her and she also recognized that you had special gifts in making
the scriptures come alive for people where they were and she encouraged
you to continue to study with others, which you did. You were especially
drawn to some Psalms … “In the written scroll it is prescribed
for me, to do your will, O my God, is my delight, and your law is within
my heart! I announce your justice in the vast assembly; and did not
restrain my lips, as you, my Lord, know.” You thought of the scriptures
that you carried in your heart and you imagined yourself speaking of
them to your local assembly.At this time, you became more involved in
the running debate about what kind of Messiah God would send. You found
ironic that people would mix up their earthly hope … a Messiah
who would free them from oppression … and maybe make them richer
… with your reading of the God of Love. That “tug”
that pulled you when you were 12 became more of a beckoning call. You
discussed this with John and he recognized this was no normal call.
The voice of God was indeed inside you because You are the Christ.Praise
be to God.
I
am in week 16 and reflectng on the hidden life of Jesus.
While I was out walking this morning I was drawn to reflect on what
Mary and Joseph must have felt as they searched for Jesus after the
time in the temple. I work as a campus minister on a college campus
and I was dealing with a student who was very depressed over his girlfriend's
break-up with him. I had been working with him and having regular conversations
with him trying to help him through it all. Something he said raised
a concern and when I was not able to connect with him for over a day,
I really panicked. I likened this experience to what May and Joseph
must have felt when Jesus was missing. I was able to ask Mary to share
what she went through with her son. I felt some of the same helplessness
and worry, fear and concern that she did. The prayer experience brought
me in touch with this whole time in Jesus' life.
-- Mary
Week
16: Six months ago my mother died after a short but traumatic
illness. During her illness, and then grieving my loss, I knew Jesus
so close to me, comforting me. I knew this too with each of my three
miscarriages. But contemplating Christ's hidden years, especially his
family life, I now understand how he could so comfort me. Before we
hear of his cousin John's execution, and of his friend Lazarus' death,
Jesus has already watched his beloved father grow old, become more and
more dependent. He held his dying father. He buried his dead father
and held his heartbroken mother. There is no pain he cannot touch because
it has first touched him. Hallelujah.
Week
16 This is the first time I have been moved to share thoughts
in the Retreat. What has caught my imagination is the period between
the finding of Jesus in the Temple, "Did you not know that I must
be about My Father's business" and the Baptism, "This is my
Beloved Son, in Whom I am well pleased."One insight is that God's
time and ours operate on a very different scale.
It could not have been that Jesus was not prepared to begin His ministry
to us. It could only have been that we were not ready to accept His
teaching.I constructed a scene in which John the Baptist and Jesus discuss
the timing of the beginning of His public life. In today's vernacular,
the time spent to make sure John was "on message" as he prepared
the way. Fascinating to me if a bit secular.I was also able to reflect
on conversations between Jesus and Mary about the coming events of the
public life and the tests of endurance Mary would have to face as Jesus
fulfilled His mission to redeem our souls.Thank you for the wonderful
preparation for this wonderful week. I think I'll stay here a while
and enjoy the fruits.
week 16 I have been thinking
of Jesus growing up, wondering if he felt the responsibility of caring
for his parents especially his earthly father Joseph. I imagine that
he felt compelled to take care of Joseph in his old age. Keeping the
business going when his father became to stiff with age to continue.
Jesus respected Joseph, he couldn't abandoned him in his old age, it
would be humiliating for Joseph to accept help from others except his
family. Mary would accept care from others, women did. I imagine that
Jesus understanding of his mission was a gradual process. That his Heavenly
Father revealed it to him as needed. I too am gaining so much from this
retreat, learning about myself, Jesus and my relationship with God.
Thank you
It was interesting to contemplate
the life that Jesus led before his public ministry in week sixteen of
the Retreat. One of the images that really stuck in my mind through
the week was of a Jesus as a toddler running around the family dwelling
just screaming in fun. As I imagined Jesus maturing, I needed
to keep in focus that Jesus was like us in everything except sin.
Therefore, since Jesus had many human experiences, he never did anything
that would be sinful. Another image that stood out to me was Jesus
as a young adult as his friends were getting married. He celebrated
with them and rejoiced with them but somewhere deep inside himself he
knew that having a wife was not something that he was called to do.
I sensed as he matured that he would get in touch with this place deep
inside of Him where he could find his true self. Week 16
Getting closer to Jesus, the adult,
is a chore for me. I can feel close to God, but not to this older
brother…maybe because I never had, or was, an older brother.
The exercise of trying to know and feel these things is the important
part, though I can never know the Truth of it all this side of death,
and maybe not ever.
I have always loved the story of the birth, the bravery of the parents,
their ability to be “pioneers” and camp outside, even while
He was being born – the closeness to the Earth of that birth –
the animals and shepherds. As a child (and sometimes now) I always
wanted to find the star on Christmas Eve – to know that it was
The Star, and to have the level of understanding of the physical cosmos,
and belief in the mysteries of heaven that seemed to be there in the
Wise Men.
The part of Jesus, the boy, to which I relate, is that part that resembles
Samuel – the part that wants to be in the temple, “about
my Father’s business”. I know what it is to be the
oldest child - the pros and cons of caring for the younger siblings,
having special responsibility. Needing to learn my father’s
craft would be such a gift – that wonderful smell of new-cut wood
and of things coming together, as well as the comaraderie. I can
feel that close relationship with my mother, so close that some people
would say boys shouldn’t be that gentle, that caring. Being
a boy is difficult for me to relate to, but in these things I can.
I can understand wanting to get away to learn more, to follow what is
laid out for me, even though I am not quite sure yet what that may be
– both excited by the possibilities and frightened of the danger.
I know what it is to have people think I am wise, or brave, and to know
for myself that I am anything but that. Week 16
One begins to do what one is to
do in this life at age 30. At least that's what we were told many
years ago. Of course that isn't always true. It is sometimes,
though. It was true of Jesus. Or was it? A person
with a "Doctorate" and I were talking. I pointed out another possible
interpretation of something this person saw in one way only. The
"Doctor" said, "I am right. After all, I've been teaching this
for more that 20 years." We are always learning and doing, teaching
and showing, aren't we? Babies are wonderful learning experiences
for parents. I dare you to deny that! People who are in
their eighties sometimes change their minds, don't they? It's
true Mary and Joseph - and many others - taught Jesus. It's also
true He brought to the learning His abilities. It's rather obvious
both are needed: learning experiences and ability to learn and do.
Our environments, experiences and what we do, both, combine to "make"
us what we are. And, yet, there is somehow more to us than that.
There is a kind of unlimited thing, part of us, spirit, soul.
That's why thirty years or three years or even 30 minutes (or even three
minutes?) are enough! That spirit part exists in time and eternity.
God made us and supplies the experiences, gives us the example of Jesus.
We can do as He does. We can rise again. Thank God!
What a wonderful exercise this
has been. I found myself in the background of my day, thinking
about Jesus in a new way . The hidden life of Christ is so fascinating
, I have often wondered about Jesus, but never used this imaginative
exercise before so I did as best I could. The few graces I did receive
while contemplating Jesus as a toddler, young boy , and very young adolescent
make me love him even more.
I envisioned the inquisitive toddler , wide eyed and getting into everything,
touching Joseph's tools, playing at Marys'' feet and being under foot.
I loved thinking of Him exploring this world . I then had a wonderful
scene with Jesus as a young child playing outside and taking giddy
pleasure in watching a frog jump... then looking up close at a flower
and loving all of nature.... playing and chasing a puppy or a sheep.
I saw a curly haired boy with dirt on his face, getting into everything
that was available... so bright and inquisitive about everything.
I thought about Jesus being wide eyed, studying people, but in particular
, Mary and Joseph ; watching them do their daily chores, how they responded
to family and friends with love and learning. He must have loved
being at Joseph's side as a young boy, wanted to help in the shop, and
as most little boys do feel that Joseph was the smartest man in the
world.
He was very bright, but not overly aggressive as a young child, that
may have come as he needed to compete with the other young boys. He
learned his prayers, the scriptures at his fathers side, Joseph took
him to synagogue, what did he feel inside when he listened to the psalms?
Did it strike a chord of deep familiarity, this is something in his
very soul...so much apart of him?
I wondered how adolescence must have been like for Jesus, did he feel
his oats a bit and rebel as most adolescences do... remember the temple?
Did he feel a temptation to want boast or show how well he could do
everything... He did everything well.
I was wondering how did he notice young women, did he compete for attention
like the other boys?
I need more time... so much to meditate on...thank you for giving me
this beautiful experience.
It would be great to continue to think on this and remember that Mary,
Joseph helped form him and that he was delighted, frustrated, inquisitive,
contemplative, sullen, and joyful in His hidden years and remained faithful
and obedient always.
Week 16. I did not feel
too compelled to probe Christ’s hidden life this week, but maybe
I did despite myself. I kept feeling content with the few snapshots
of the flight to Egypt and the finding of Christ in the temple. For
me these fragments did fit well with this week’s photograph of
the dark-skinned, poor boy of about 11 years of age. It was truly a
picture of the child Jesus. The picture gave a beautiful image to the
fragments in scripture about the hidden life. This image did not allow
me to enter a scene of the hidden life, but I did find a grace from
the Holy Spirit. I recalled how often Jesus identified with children
when he described the basics of faith, love, relationships and fidelity
with God. I think he turned to children to pass-on his message because
it was such a strong image for him. I am sure that it had to do with
Mary’s ability to love. I am sure he experience the most perfect
love any human has ever had for God in the way his mother loved him.
Maybe, it became the perfect image of love for him: the love his mother
gave to God in caring for him. Maybe that love was the example that
allowed him to understand the importance of the cross.
When I imagined the scene of Mary and Joseph
coming back to the temple to find Jesus, I could not help but think
that I saw, after the initial worry and relief, Mary recognized in her
Son a glimpse of coming of age and maturity. Mary possibly even
seemed somewhat pleased to find Jesus in these circumstances instead
of say playing with the other children His age in the market square.
I reasoned that Mary was not that much older than Jesus when she brought
Him into this world. Also by our present day standards Mary is
still a young woman at this point. Admittedly I was reluctant about
trying to image myself in the moments of the last few weeks. I
do not consider myself to have a free flowing imagination. However,
by accepting to go with the suggestions, the last few weeks exercises
have been surprisingly insightful.
I am trying again. I am beginning week
16 after several weeks of being "stuck ". I have found other
wonderful resources to fill the void during this time however, and praise
God for the abundance of resources available in this country.
I thank God for the wonderful Christian friends in our Bible study,
the obedient priests in our city and the opportunity to serve which
allows me to see Christ in others. Praise God!
This is my 16th week of this wonderful
retreat. What an incredible experience of exploring and deepening
my relationship with Jesus. It is so heartening to have so many people
on this journey and so many people praying for me. I am praying for
you also. God Bless and keep all of us.
I will be on retreat from January 3 to January
10 at a Trappist Monastery and will use week 16. I will not have
internet access but would ask those making this week of retreat to remember
me in their prayers and I promise to share upon my return. I will also
pray each day for those who are praying for me. Thank you, Maureen
Week 17
Week 17: I recently made
the decision to leave my job and organization that I've been part of
for nearly 30 years and change my career. I feel I have battled for
the last 5 years at least with the concrete challenge of "how do
I define myself?" I was disappointed when I did not get selected
as CEO 5 years ago. It felt like utter rejection and I was determined
to find something that would equal the status. It was really only through
going through this process that I discerned that leadership itself is
a charism and so I needed to be guided by God as to where to deploy
it. When I first told my boss about my decision I experienced first-hand
the temptation of the "Evil One" (I'm not suggesting that
he is the Evil One!). He told me that I should wait it out … there
are more prestigious places where I could get a job … he would
even help me … or if I remained with the firm I could make even
more money and then use it for whatever purposes I wanted. I seriously
thought about this for 24 hours. It was quite attractive. I hope I did
make the right decision … certainly I made it resisting the temptation
to hold out for more possessions or more prestige. Thank you for this
Retreat.
Week 17: This is my third
try at doing the on-line retreat and the attempt has been easier than
the previous ones. That is, until now. I suspected I would hit a bumpy
spot and week 17 is definitely it. It is so very hard for me to think
of giving up "riches and honor," for they represent security
-- and for some reason, security is very important to me. I am 70 years
old, a widow, comfortably well off: good health, enough income, family
and supportive community close by. I am intensely grateful for those
blessings, but also fearful of losing them. What if health or money
were to disappear? Would I still be able to praise God, thank Him for
His many gifts, accept the life I would suddenly face? I don't know.
Perhaps my faith is wispy, a product of overall good fortune. I recall
vividly an incident from 20 years ago when I found myself in a local
pharmacy. I was there to have my blood pressure tested and, standing
in a long line, realized that almost everyone in the line was old (that
is, older than I), and also a bit shabby looking. My immediate reaction
was, "But I don't WANT to be old and poor. To be old and poor is
to be looked down upon." What a revelation of my real values, as
opposed to the values I professed! So now, I'm struggling with the "poverty,
dishonor, humiliation" mantra. As some sharers have indicated,
I don't see those three things as active goods to be pursued. Who wants
to be poor, dishonored, humiliated? Rather, I see riches, honor, and
pride as worldly "goods" that I must try to put aside, dampen
down, trim back as far as I can in order to make room for the Lord and
for the work that He wants me to do during the time that remains. Intellectually,
I know that this process can be freeing. I never
felt lighter or less burdened than when I gave away what were, for me,
significant amounts of money -- and did so with "no strings attached."
Now, some years later, I can only pray for help in working toward the
freedom that will allow me to truly follow Him.
Week 17: I am repeating
this Retreat which I first did three years ago. This time in week 17,
I see very clearly how much my desire for riches, pride and honor dictates
my choices. It isn't about money or possessions for me, although I have
more than enough, of these things. It is all about the approval and
leadership status that I receive from doing the work that I do. It's
so much about the recognition and affirmation that I consistently receive.
It's about being seen by others as gifted and effective in my work.
I see in this week of the Retreat, the strong hold that this desire
has on me, because I can't easily bring myself to pray that God change
this for me.
I am resisting spiritual poverty. Here is where the world has its hold
on me. This is the place where I hold on to control in my life, and
it must be the desire that has kept me from trusting God, more completely.
I am humbled to understand this and I wonder if I will be given the
grace to change. Maybe I will be able to pray about it after all.
-- Linda
Week 17: There is a Balm
– a balm of Gilead – and so this retreat is a balm for my
soul. After downloading week 17 – I realized I am walking with
and through week 17 readings. I thought I was finally making it in life.
I had finally accumulated 4 ½ years at one job ( I am in my 50’s)
benefits, tuition reimbursement, started to actually finish my Master’s
Degree, was a candidate for job promotion then…life changed. My
mother was not doing well at assisted living anymore and we decided
that it would be best to move her in with us. I don’t have blood
relatives to help but managed to find community resources that can help
me with my mother who has some dementia and long standing mental illness(chronic
depression). My job did away with part time flex time hours and so I
had to quit and recently took a part time job with less than half pay
and no benefits – so that I could be close to home. This truly
is a walk of faith and trust in God-I have been humbled. You see I am
an ego maniac with low self esteem and I do believe that got finally
got through to me that it isn’t what I do but what I am my character
is what counts. I work with a young lady that is 30 years younger and
she somehow got the life manual. She is able to do what I have finally
learned this past month about human character and humility and simplicity.
I am a very slowwwww learner.
greeting to you all. this week has touched
me deeply. i was moved by the sharings and pleased to encounter others
whose lives are seeming failures in the normal world. my own life through
the series of decisions since i came into recovery has led me not to
wealth , lovers or success - but to pension and humiliation and a very
simple life. these were not the result of my greed or poor choices but
it seems to me - the result of 18 years of consciously trying best as
i have been able to follow the golden thread of gods leading. so i was
pleased to hear of others who in the 'affluent' countries face the challenges
of being amongst the almost unseen otherworld. the ones who often count
for very little in the eyes of society - even their ' spiritual' society
which for me is amongst recovering addicts .
" i have learned to be satisified with all that i have." was
the saying which touched me the most. what an exciting life . wear the
shoes of peace i read as well this week and for a non peaceful woman
i was pleased tor realise that i do at least know what that means. dayenu.
this is enough. this is good. yours with love.
-- nell from tweed
I am still in week 17 and
it is as if I am paalyzed. Something I read stopped me dead in my tracks.
I literally walked away from the retreat until this morning. It was
then that I decided to write about my paralysis.
Up to this point the retreat has gone rather smoothly with new insights
and new challenges, but when I reached this week, it was as if God was
asking too much and I couldn't face it. (I know now that it wasn't God;
it was my own pride and selfishness that was getting in the way of handing
everything over to the Lord.)
Once I sat and prayed with all of that today, I had a renewed sense
of beginning where I left off. With God on my side, I cannot go astray.
This was a powerful reminder to me of the presence of the evil one who
desires to sidetrack me from what I know I want and desire--a deeper
relationship with the Lord.
With all of that said, I feel I can pick up where I left off. It has
been good to have a place to write about what is happening. I don't
do it often but I do it when I know there has been something holding
me back or there has been some breakthrough.
-- Mary
Two ways of desiring? Actually, neither
of your ways appeals to me. Riches,
honor, pride? Don’t even speak to me of those things. I have voluntarily
earned no income for the past ten years. My social status is somewhere
between “invisible” and “disdained”. As for
pride—who am I? I don’t even maintain a sense of identity
solid enough on which to hang the trappings of pride. Am I conversely
to desire poverty, dishonor, humiliation? No! Resoundingly no! That
would be to desire injustice! If you do not believe me, then shall I
bless you by offering to do unto you such as would impoverish you, dishonor
you, humiliate you? Should I desire to impoverish, dishonor, humiliate
Christ? Are we not members of his body? Is he not poor, dishonored,
humiliated enough? While we accept our crosses to join with him and
be like him and love through him, should we not also accept the riches
of his creation, the honor of being heirs to the kingdom of heaven,
the pride of knowing that in him, we are already seated at the right
hand of God the Father in heaven, loved and cherished by Mary, the angels
and all the saints, and depended upon by the souls in purgatory for
our prayers? This is the way I choose.
-- Tom, Pennsylvania
I
found this week’s exercises challenging as I have when previously
I used them. My temptation when I get to the part of the prayer “and
physical poverty if that will advance God’s kingdom” is
to add “but if you’ve got anyone else in mind maybe they
would do a better job!” I need to sit longer with St Paul’s
reflection, “I have learned to be satisfied with everything I
have. I know what it is to be poor or to have plenty, and I have lived
under all kind of conditions”. But
I think I can get over that particular struggle. I think I can also
get over the big battles over “How do I know who I am?”
I can clearly relate to the forces of the world that have won over me
at various times. In St Paul’s list of things in which the world
wins in his letter to Galatians I think I can apply that list to me
at some point in my life … maybe with the exception of witchcraft!But
where I found the challenge this week is in the more subtle parts of
responding to the various voices of the world that call me. The most
subtle call is the call to busyness and goal achievement. Now I’m
sure that I still hear my mother telling me that “idle hands are
the devil’s plaything”. As we know having goals are good
and keep one focused. But often for me they become an obsession that
defines me. Then taking on more tasks becomes more important. Often
these are good in themselves but taking on more for the sake of recognition
and feedback creates an environment where I build up more anxiety …
more impatience … and move further from God.Then there are the
subtle pulls of wealth creation. It’s relatively easy to respond
to the call to be generous but sometimes I think that response is closer
to Saul’s response to Samuel (from Monday’s reading) when
Samuel tells him he has been unjust in battle; “But we sacrificed
to God the first spoils of our capture”. I think of my call to
Leadership. I get depressed sometimes because I think I should have
the top leadership role in my company or I could do a different, bigger
role in another organization. Sometimes I even believe I deserve this.
Of course, I can discipline myself and be very focused on what I have
to do now for my colleagues. But I wonder about the more subtle aspects
of this. Have I omitted chances to further God’s Kingdom and to
respond to this call by ignoring opportunities purely because I wanted
to preserve my economic interest? Of course, I can justify this and
think of “what my family needs”. So pray that when that
pull becomes especially tough I take the call of Jesus … stripped
of arrogance or pride … maybe even foolish in some people’s
eyes … but humbly placed behind his banner.
This, the 17th week, and only half way through
it, has yeilded fruit. Up to this point, I have read most of the readings
and engaged my imagination, my reason, and sometimes my memory, and
its been OK but no real breakthroughs. But this week's opening summary,
"Two Ways of Desiring," hit me right between the eyes. Giving
up status based on material wealth, other people's opinions, and selfish
impulses, and coming to rest in the reality of being God's beloved helped
me to "see the light." Yesterday I experienced a long moment
of peace and content, and I had a revelation that, in my past, Christ
had manifested his goodness during a period of time when I was very
far from the Church--such patience and incredible generosity! Anyhow,
I just wanted to share that.
Peace,
David
I have just started week 17
and realize how God is answering my desire to know him on a deeper level.
When I first made this retreat in 2002, I prayed for actual poverty
so that I could be more like Jesus who was born in the humble surroundings
in Bethlehem. Today I realize how graciously God has answered my prayer.
In May of 2004, my teaching job ended and my husband's salary was cut
almost in half. This fall, my husband's salary was cut again. We now
have exactly enough money to pay our bills from month to month barring
any unexpected monetary expenses. For the past year I have been working
actively as a counselor at a Pregnancy Crisis Center, and will be going
to my first Right To Life march in Washington D.C. January 20. The fruits
that have come from my desire to grow in my relation with Jesus has
led to an authentic poverty of spirit and material wealth, which has
been extremely humiliating for my husband and me. This has led both
of us to a deeper sense of true humility and a greater love for the
Lord and each other. We have to work together for financial survival.
We have had to downsize all of our spending habits. This Christmas,
for the first time in our lives, we adopted a poor family and brought
a little joy into their lives. On January 6, we sent another load of
supplies to them in honor of the Epiphany. This has brought deep satisfaction
and grace into our lives. Each day has become an adventure as we continue
to "Keep our eyes fixed on Jesus". Thank you again for making
this retreat possible.
-- Sandy
After just chugging along for several weeks,
this week hit like a brick wall. I read the readings on All Saints--funny
that the Beatitudes was the Gospel reading for that day. A "God-incident"
as my priest would call it?
At any rate, I think we need to be a bit careful here. Poverty and poverty
in spirit are very different concepts. Although I know advertising media
promotes the affluent lifestyle, on the flip side, I don't think anyone
would argue that poverty itself is ennobling. Being in want often makes
people mean and little. It's also a very different thing to choose,
to voluntarily embrace poverty, versus it being forced on you. Lots
to think about here.
week 17: I have been very empty the last
few weeks, I have not been able to do the exercises as discribed. Maybe
I am just too lazy. I want Jesus to be bigger than me always, I don't
want to picture him as a baby very much.
It is hard to say that.
This weeks lesson is very interesting to me and seems to hit me right
where I live. I am retired and living on just my social security check.
I don't manage it very well. I have spent long hours wishing for "more"
and tying to scheme ways to "get more".
I have things that I do, but don't get to seem important to others.
I can see how I can feel very rewarded by just doing it now.
I have been invited to vacation in another state with some friends and
have no cash to spend buying them thank you gifts or taking them out,
that type of thing. It has put me in a very sad mood, to the point I
didn;t want to go, along with my fear of flying. I have been just wanting
it to be done and over with. I have a feeling now, that I can just go,
put my trust in the Lord, and see how things will be just fine.
Just be grateful , just "be".
I think I am still very young in growing in this retreat. I will continue
on and trust it is okay if I do that without "getting it perfect"
Peace to all who are also traveling this retreat.
Sometimes I think I am doing all the right
things, I pray everyday, I ask the Lord to guide me, to help me make
the right decisions etc. I tell him I want to do his will. Then I get
hit with a curve ball. A problem that doesn't have an easy answer, one
that involves enabling. Enabling seems so Christlike yet it doesn't
solve any problems. You think you are being compassionate and helping
yet the problem continues. And when you stop helping you feel so guilty.
I have two such problems right now and I pray that God leads me and
I hear and see the way he wants me to go. Week 17
Somewhere along the way I have stumbled.
I have pulled back and tried to control. I guess it is because I feared
where the retreat was leading me. This idea of independence is so strong
yet I know the end result is so distructive. Why am I afraid to say
yes and cross over? My faith is not strong enough to walk this walk,
yet my yearning and searching is carrying me along. I simply don't feel
worthy of God's love. Week 17
Week 17 This week's retreat
seems over the top when it calls for an ". . . incredible desire
for dishonor, humiliation, and contempt" in order to place oneself
with Jesus. Ridding myself of arrogance, of pride, and preoccupation
with material things okay -- but must I seek punishment to become humble?
I'm either missing the point or simply not ready . . .
Early in the retreat there were some prayers from "Guerillas of
Grace" (Ted Loder). There's one excerpt from the prayer "Gather
Me to Be with You" that somehow helps this week:
"Oh Lord, release me
from the fears and guilts
which grip me so tightly;
from the expectations and opinions
which I so tightly grip,
that I may be open
to receiving what you give,
to risking something genuinely new,
to learning something refreshingly different."
I find myself stumbling on the retreat as
I enter week 17. I understand what is being asked of
me, and I understand my stopping place. For spiritual poverty I do pray
and will continue to work. I understand that friendship with Jesus leads
in that direction...always. I cannot pray for actual poverty, however.
I have been there, and to that insecurity of the next meal, and the
humiliation of asking for help. Voluntary, protected poverty is one
thing, and I think the church did well in establishing a workable model
of voluntary poverty in its orders. But not actual poverty. I don't
think that anyone should pray for that.
So, I know where I am stopping on this retreat, at least this time,
this year.
But wait, I am not stopping. There is plenty enough for me to work for
in terms of spiritual poverty, that I am not actually at that crossroads,
if there ever is again such a crossroad in my life. I may not get anywhere
close to where other people get...let alone the ignatiuses of this life,
but I am continuing....with God and me knowing I cannot pray for what
I think is not good for me. Some of us have already lived more risks
than what are healthy for us.
Through a difficult set of circumstances, I found the place in me that
I call arrogance. That is what I am asked to give up for the Lord.
Week seventeen of the retreat
caused me to look at my life and the desires that are part of it.
I knew that I too often act on my desire to achieve the recognition
of others. However, I was surprised to find throughout the week
the multitude of my behaviors and responses that were part of my life
in order to look good in the eyes of others. I can feel the yearning
in my heart for a detachment from all of this and the freedom that I
can find only in God. However, I am further away from this freedom
and the desire for this freedom than I thought I was. I
pray that God will help me to desire and ultimately live in the freedom
that can come only from God.
During this week (17) ,
I have seen myself in a light that I do not always take the time to
see, that is a quietly prideful person. Pride as bragging has
not been my style, but this week, I noticed times when I felt superior,
or smug in my mind . This week has really made me aware of a subtle
sin, a sin that is very damaging to me and in my relationships.
I want to be more like Christ, and be more humble , and by that I mean
open to God.
There is always a choice to be made day by day, moment by moment , and
the seduction of pride, comforts, and putting myself first is there.
The choice of looking at Jesus's patterns of living and imitating these
are my desire.
I love to meditate on Mary and I know that she will lead me closer to
her Son . She was humble and trusting in so many situations, she
chose the good, never the easy.
Please give me the grace to choose good over evil. Thank you for
this week.
Week 17 Lord, take
what I don’t need which is everything but you. More importantly
Lord, remind me every day that I need nothing but you. Especially take
those items of self-infatuation. Let me lean towards humility where
peace is abound.
The 16th week of retreat lasted so long .
At that time almost everyday I was so tired with my work and was always
so busy. So I thought maybe I couldn't continue this retreat. But the
17th week's retreat gave me a chance to reflect on myself in
everyday life. Then I realized that my busy works resulted from having
something outside me affirm myself. they surely must root in my
desires-especially riches, pride- unlike the way of Jesues' desires.
Now I'd like to newly start my retreat and live the way of Jesus' desires
differently from my life before.
I'm on week 17 - two ways of desiring.
I realise how much of my life, particularly in my work, is based on
wanting honour, so that I fret and worry terribly when facing even mild
failures and am envious of other people's successes. I don't know where
I'm heading at the moment. Please pray for me.
The first full week of January (17)
this retreat challenged us to think and pray about poverty, dishonor,
and humility. What a direct hit that was for me. Through
my mistakes (humiliation) I am possibly facing bankruptcy. Right now
I am not able to keep up with the payments I owe to my creditors (poverty).
If indeed, after meeting with a counselor, I find out I will have to
file for bankruptcy (dishonor), my spirits will be very low. Some
people might say I won't have any problems then, my debts will be wiped
out. However, it is something that will stay on my credit report
for 10 years. It will keep me from purchasing anything on time,
particularly a car or house. I have kicked myself enough, now
I turn to God. I thank God the Catholic Church has the Sacrament
of Reconciliation. It gives us a chance to start over and awakens
God's Spirit within us. I hope society will forgive me for not
being able to pay my debts. I feel broken, humiliated, and an
outcast because of my problems. This
week I respond to God. I talk to Him and tell Him I want whatever
will bring Him honor and glory. I know my financial troubles have
been the center of my life for a long time. Now it is time to
place God in the center. All gifts come from Him. I need
only to place my total trust in Him. Most
Gracious God, I beg your forgiveness for my failures in this life. Strengthen
my resolve to trust in Your faithfulness to me. May all that I
do, all the lives I touch today, bring honor and glory to Your Sovereign
Majesty. Remind me often, You are near especially when my
fears overwhelm me. Thank You for loving me and for choosing me
to be one of Your followers. May I never forsake my promise to
remain close to You. Amen.
Although some parts of this retreat have
been a blessing, many parts have been difficult. The Annunciation
stayed with me for over two weeks as I considered the greatness of Mary
in her response -- and whether I am saying "yes" in accepting
God's love in my life. As this new year begins, I pray to follow Mary's
example of trust -- her trust in the Annunciation, in going to
Egypt, in letting Jesus go on His mission as a
young man, and in standing at the cross. None of these were easy
things to do -- and would have been impossible if she didn't trust God.
As
I considered "pride, honor, riches," (17) it came to me that
Mary rejected all of them at the annunciation -- and her "yes" continued
faithfully throughout her life. She lived with humility, dishonor
and poverty. Actually desiring these things still seems alien
to me, but it is becoming obvious that that is where dependence on God
leads.
Week 17a
This week (week 17 a) hasn’t
seemed to go too well. There was so much going on at work that I didn’t
have much background time to review. And I certainly did not find myself
able to “smile inwardly with joy.” And I fell too often
into my old patterns. I did keep trying to pull back into focus, but
without too much success. Even my structured prayer was so distracted.
But I realize the necessity to keep trying & to keep to my schedule
of spiritual exercises even if they are not perfect. Then |