Student-Parent Relationships
Life is full of transitions-- especially when it comes to relationships. Some are painful, some bring happiness, but all involve a change from "life as it was." Passing through these relationship transitions can be likened to opening new doors in life. Sometimes, though, fear of the unknown can accompany us as we open the new door. For families, a significant relationship transition can occur at the stage when their young-adult child leaves home for college. The new experiences and pressures in this phase of family life can challenge the relationship between parents and child.
Leading up to Freshmen Year ... The Revolving Door
Entering and going through the senior year in high school is like navigating a revolving door: Attention needs to be focused on making a good exit. For parent and child, the senior year is full of activities that focus on the student's future. Paper work for college applications and decisions about school selection will add to the pressures of the school year. Along with these responsibilities for families come the excitement and fears of "What's next?" It is during this time that challenging emotions begin to surface for family members and parent/child relationships can be tested.
Tips for Parents:
- Through the whole process, be patient and help keep the family lines of communication open. New anxieties about the future can cause unfamiliar emotions to erupt and tempers to flair. Understand that your child is subconsciously trying to learn to "let go" as, indeed, you are. As parents, openly, but tactfully, communicate any concerns to your child and encourage him/her to do the same with you. You can still set some boundaries, but demonstrate growing trust in your young adult and give him/her independent space and responsibility. When (and if) he/she shares, listen to her/him, practice patience in responding and keep the lines of communication open.
- As his/her high-school experience comes to an end, understand the importance of friends to your child. As the college departure approaches, seniors will probably want to spend more time with good friends. There is comfort for them in bonding and sharing their anticipation of the next step with one another. Devise ways to give them space and time to be together.
- Plan meaningful family time together. Too quickly, your college-bound child will be out the door. Make time for and enjoy special moments together. If circumstances permit, plan a family summer vacation, a long weekend or a special outing before the college move. Make sure the event is one in which both the parents and the young adult will be interested.
- Anticipate the emotions of the eventual send-off. For all involved, the departure can be an emotional one that sometimes can create serious feelings of anxiety, loss and fears of the unknown.
- Before the send-off, develop agreement on mutual expectations about grades and financial matters. Having a shared understanding of these matters before the child leaves for school can help avoid misunderstandings and challenges during the student's first semester.
Freshman Year ... The Screen Door
A screen door allows for an open view, while at the same time affording a degree of privacy. Similarly, communication between parents and their child away at school should have openness in expressing viewpoints but, at the same time, demonstrate mutual respect for privacy. For both parent and child, the changes in the environment will necessitate extra effort to maintain positive and supportive relationships.
Tips for Parents:
- Don't bug your student during the first semester. Allow time for your student to comfortably adjust to college life. Plan on staying in touch, but arrange a time that is convenient for both of you to converse. Remember that 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday or Sunday morning tends not to work well for new college students!
- Use the power of email. This form of communication is an excellent way to communicate for both parent and child. It is amazing what your student can and will share with you through this medium. There is no parental negative tone of voice or body language to which the student can react. We, as parents, can receive the messages, react and have time to reflect before responding.
- Be aware of "signals" of unusual behavior from your child. Look for hints of chronic homesickness or persistent avoidance of communication from your child. If unusual behavior is sensed, arrange to get help through the proper college channels.
- During your first visit to campus, understand, as a parent, that you are now on your student's turf. This is a time for enjoying his/her sense of role reversal. Allow for a healthy show of independence.
First Visit Home ... The Door Jam
The first visit home can bring warm feelings, excitement and, unfortunately, confrontations. "Home sweet home" can take on new and different definitions for parents and child when the latter settles in for this particular, unpracticed first visit.
Tips for Parents:
- Be prepared for the first visit home to bring challenges. Remember that when your student returns home for the first visit, he/she will have changed. You might expect the same child who left in the fall, but understand that your student will be returning home with a good dose of independent living under his/her belt. This could be a time to consider a sensible renegotiation of home rules to fit the needs of all.
- Your child will probably sleep late for the first few days. With finals usually just before vacation, your student could be exhausted. Give him/her space and time to catch up on rest. Also understand that most home beds are more comfortable than college beds!
- Make sure that you spend some meaningful time with your child. Don't be surprised if your child wants to spend most waking hours with former high-school friends. When possible, arrange time for the family to be together. Whether it involves an activity or sport or just having a meal together, this will give all family members an opportunity to share views, discuss any differences and preserve an appreciation for family values.
With the right efforts by both parent and child, relationships through the college years can mature into a more open and constructive phase. Patience and open and thoughtful communication can be the keys to developing and maintaining a healthy relationship that will preserve itself as the family walks through the future doorways of life.