Creighton University

Being a college student and maintaining a healthy romantic relationship can be a difficult task. While you may receive a great deal of support, comfort, and satisfaction from your relationship, you may also feel confused and frustrated by the additional responsibilities and demands on your time. How you negotiate and balance the many roles you play will greatly influence the quality of your life together and the quality of your student experience.

Communication: Partners need to feel free to express both positive and negative feelings, needs, complaints, and affection. Check out misunderstandings and let your partner know how you are affected by his/her statements. A lot of misunderstandings and subsequent hurt feelings in relationships come from the belief that you or your partner should know what each other is thinking, feeling, or needs (e.g., "If he really loved me, he would know that I need _____"), without having to explicitly communicate this information (e.g., "I would really like to spend time with you alone tonight"). Do not assume that your partner can read your mind, or alternatively, that you should be able to guess or know your partner's needs, thoughts, or feelings. While the best way to get your needs met is to talk with your partner about them, in healthy relationships, there is also room to say "no" to each other's requests.

Expectations: In all romantic relationships, there is a need to integrate your life as a couple and your individual lives, needs, and expectations. Common negotiations that arise in relationships include the following:

• Time spent together versus apart.
• Time spent with each other's friends and family-separately or as a couple.
• Each person's needs, interests, desires, and preferences (e.g., how to spend the evening together-such as, whether you go out with a group of people or just the two of you; what movie to see; how to come together after a long day at work or school-such as, does one partner initially need some "alone time" before coming together?)
• Financial arrangements-deciding who will pay for what.
• Expectations for attention, emotional support, and affection.
• Remember to communicate your expectations as clearly and directly as possible.
  Conflict: There will be times when communication breaks down. This often happens when partners maintain different perspectives, disagree about expectations, or experience divergent needs. In love relationships, conflict is normal, inevitable, and can even be healthy. Successful fights can clear up problems and lead each partner to understand the other better, thereby increasing intimacy and enhancing and strengthening the relationship.
• In a connected and caring relationship, each partner should be able to state his or her mind without fear of dire consequences. To make a safe place for conflict, use the principles of "fair fighting," which include the following ideas:
  Negotiate a time to talk about difficult topics (e.g., when neither person is distracted, tired, or very angry). Call a "time-out" if necessary, and return to the discussion at a better time.
• Use "I" statements (e.g., "I feel upset when you yell at me in front of other people"), versus "you" statements (e.g., "You came across as rude and controlling" or "Your approach is wrong").
• Use respectful language and behavior.
• Listen to each other without interruption, reflect back what was said, and check in with the other to make sure you understood what was said.
• Clarify differences, identify the problem, and suggest solutions that may be mutually acceptable or offer some compromise.
• Stay in the present and focus on one problem at a time.
• Agree upon a solution, agree to disagree, or agree to continue the discussion at another time. Consider using the help of a 3rd party, if necessary.
• Acknowledge each person's positive contribution to the process (e.g., "Thank you for listening to my feelings, I felt you really understood how I was feeling," or "I'm glad you could tell me how you were feeling.")
• Admit when you are wrong.

Boundaries: Aside from establishing boundaries with each other in the relationship (e.g., for personal space, time alone, sexual likes and dislikes), there is a need in love relationships to set boundaries between you as a couple and the demands of the outside world. Adopt a lifestyle that allows you to take care of your work and relationships. Continue to reevaluate priorities, and when needed, set limits to avoid feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Make it a priority to set aside "quality time" for the two of you to spend together.

Source: St. Mary's College of California