Creighton University

Coming home to your room should be something you look forward to, whatever that means for you. You have every right to enjoy yourself, but so does your roommate. Conflict happens when your idea about what enjoyment consists of doesn't coincide with theirs. You can find a roommate in a rushed or ill-informed way, and hope you'd stumbled upon the right one by chance, or you can avoid the need to pack your stuff and/or look for a new roommate frequently by being more clever about it upfront.

It is important that you choose a roommate with whom you share some degree of lifestyle compatibility. Opposites may attract in some romantic situations, but a lack of lifestyle compatibility is only a recipe for disaster in a roommate situation.

Roommate Realism - Be realistic in that no roommate situation is going to be perfect, a few conflicts will arise. On the other hand, some things are going to be non-negotiable for you if you intend to keep living a certain lifestyle. Try to figure out what the biggies are for you, and make sure to find a roommate based on those, investigate and decide upfront. Do NOT compromise anything you know is important to you, but DO compromise on the stuff that isn't.

Friends Becoming Roommates - Unfortunately, one major tidbit of advice we'd care to share is that the qualities you might find important or desirable in a fun friend may NOT be the same ones you ultimately will require in a roommate. Many now ex-roommates have found this out the hard way. Friendships have been destroyed over a failure to recognize this at the outset. Traits or lifestyle habits like a casual attitude toward paying the electric bill that you may have found charming, amusing, or at least tolerable in a friend or non-cohabiting acquaintance can suddenly seem much less so when you're now also in the dark at the end of the day. You may party like a Wild Thing with your friends on the weekends or during the week away from home, but require your homebase to be a more peaceful sanctuary when you actually are there. That same friend you thought was such a riot during your last pubcrawl you may find less hysterical if he/she brings the party home on a night you were trying to study or get to sleep early. Or, conversely, if you want to whimsically bring home whoever/whenever, a roommate who regularly leads a more conservative lifestyle is going to cramp yours. The best roommate relationships are primarily structured as roommate relationships. Many roommate relationships that work well as that often lead to good friendships as well. Or, it could just stay a fine roommate situation, and be left less personally (but still quite functionally) as that. However, when you use your pool of friends to find a roommate and the roommate situation goes south, unfortunately so often does the entire friendship . . . and your other friends may have to hear about it too. If you and a friend even vaguely suspect you aren't the greatest mesh just on the basis of specific roommate-related compatibility and that alone, live near each other, but find a roommate elsewhere. You can still see them regularly, preserve the friendship, and have someplace to crash if things get hairy back at your abode.

Time with Roommate Outside the Room- Probably not your problem if you're looking for a roommate on the net, but just in case you arrived here otherwise, this bears mentioning. It's not likely the best idea to find a roommate at work or any other relatively small space you are required to be in regularly. Even deliriously happy newlyweds need time apart. No matter how fabulously you and your new roommate get along, so will you. Probably better to aim for enjoying each other's company when together over constant non-optional togetherness.

Conflict Resolution Skills - One of the most important questions to ask when looking for a roommate . . . what happened the last few times they had an interpersonal conflict . . . what they did, what they said, how that worked out?? See, thing is, in any interpersonal situation (including roommates), given enough time, conflicts will arise. The mark of a reasonable, emotionaly mature individual is not someone who denies conflicts, tries to ignore them, or stews in silence, but someone who can deal with one calmly, respectfully, and generally without the throwing of massive tantrums or the assigning of names one wouldn't want one's mother to hear WHEN a conflict arises. The mature response given a conflict or complaint in a roommate situation would be to bring up concerns when they arise (not after you've stewed for 4 weeks straight), and do so in a way that does not involve name-calling and property throwing. Attempt to find a roommate that is capable of this.

Find-a-Roommate Stereotypes - Don't rely on tired outdated stereotypes to find a roommate. As almost anyone who has had multiple and demographically diverse roommates will tell you, not all women are tidy, and not all young men are loud. Or vice versa. If what you want is clean and quiet, ask about those things specifically. If you think picking someone on the basis of age or gender or some other demographic detail is necessarily going to guarantee any particular roommate-related adjective for you by default, you're likely in for a rude awakening.

"Morality" and your Roommate - If you have a platform on moral issues, definitely add that to the list of questions to ask when looking for a roommate. Best to find a roommate that is somewhat similar to yourself on those issues by sharing before moving in together. Like, does a sizable segment of society-at-large do something that severely annoys you, or something you think makes them "bad people?" If your roommate did that and you found out, would it make them roommate-non-grata in your eyes to the extent you wouldn't want to be around them anymore? Often in the getting-to-know-you stage folks are more polite about this sort of thing, which works well for many relationships (say, someone working near you in an office) but not so much on the roommate front. Get it out in the open before you discover it with horror after signing a lease and moving your stuff.

What Kind of Roommate Will YOU Be? - Be honest when describing yourself to a potential roommate. Are you really tidy? No, for real. You may be tempted to insinuate that you behave in such a way a potential roommate seems to want, but the stress of having to keep up a false front for any extended period of time after you move in together or the stress of having your new roommate hate your guts for not only not being tidy (or whatever it was you pretended to be) but also being a liar will be a drag, trust us.

Find a Roommate Time-Frame - Leaving it to the last minute to find a roommate means you'll: A) Panic and B) Settle for less. But you procrastinators out there probably knew that already, didn't you? More time to be choosy ahead of time almost always means less hassle later.

Roommate Comings and Goings - Do you like to come and go on a whim, even frequently during the wee hours? Or will you freak out if you hear your front door opening at 3 a.m.? Definitely questions to ask when looking for a roommate, a lack of compatibility here will be sorely missed.

The Absentee Roommate - Sometimes someone seems more appealing as a potential roommate because they say they'll be spending little time at your shared abode, maybe they have a lover in whose home they spend much time, maybe a job that requires frequent travel, maybe studying elsewhere several hours a day . . . whatever. But don't ignore other roommate-related considerations just based on the appeal of a possibly "absentee" roommate. First, their circumstances could suddenly change at any time, breakup, job change, library closing, etc., and then you might suddenly be seeing a lot more of them than you initially planned. The phantom roommate that cheerfully pays half the bills for an extended period of time but never intrudes upon your collectively paid space is usually just a fantasy. Second, that person may suddenly and/or unilaterally decide they don't owe on utility bills or should pay a reduced rent because they're hardly ever there. Which may be fine if that's acceptable and negotiated upfront, but if you're on a tight budget, it's likely you need to find a roommate that will pay a certain amount each month no matter how often you actually see them. Make sure expectations regarding bill-paying are clear from the start, and non-alterable unless all parties cheerfully agree.

Roommates and Sleeping - If you like to go to bed early and are a light sleeper, don't live with a night owl, unless you're comfortable using earplugs. Similarly, if you know you like to be noisy late at night, you'd best find a roommate not so busy at the crack of what-in-the-world-are-they-doing-this-early unless they swear they sleep heavily.

My Roommate Was Here . . . and Here . . . - Some folks leave little trails of evidence detailing all their activites behind them wherever they go, others are compulsively tidy. Figure out who you are and find a roommate in the same general area of the continuum. Messies can sometimes pacify the tidy by confining their mess to their roommate, but folks that are extremely different in this regard are bound to bug the hell out of each other. However, don't make the mistake of assuming you'll be in Roommate Nirvana if you're both total slobs. Eventually someone will have to clean up, or the roaches and/or the Health Department will make you wish you had.

Who Will Be Visiting your Roommate? - How many, how often? Parties? Significant others sleeping over regularly but not contributing to the bills? Family members dropping by? Even if your roommate and yourself get along just fine, what sort of friends will she/he have over regularly? What if the visitors need to use your bathroom/shower regularly? OK vs. not? How often? All important questions to ask when looking for a roommate. Even if you think you don't care, fair warning is always more agreeable.

Source: www.roommateroommateroommate.com