Creighton University

Life is full of transitions. Some are painful, some bring happiness, but all involve a change from "life as it was." Passing through these transitions can be likened to opening new doors in life. Sometimes, though, fear of the unknown can accompany us as we open the new door. For families, a significant life transition can occur at the stage when their young-adult child leaves home for college. The new experiences and pressures in this phase of family life can challenge the relationship between parents and child.  

The following suggestions will help college students keep their doors open with their parents as they experience the various challenges of the off-to-college transition.  

When College is Approaching

• Know that your parents will probably get on your nerves. Through this exciting, yet challenging, transition, try to be patient with your parents. Trust me, those who have been through it understand the sometimes overwhelming feelings that the senior year provokes. The last thing you want is your parent breathing down your neck about deadlines and "friendly reminders" (or sometimes not-so-friendly). Believe it or not, they are as excited as you are. Sometimes, they will express themselves in an "annoying" way, but know that they mean well, and do not take offense. Rather, recognize that through their experience of life, they can actually have great suggestions that will be helpful.
• You will feel a need to spend much of your time with your friends. You are about to leave them as you head off to college. Enjoy their company while you can. If you explain this priority to your parents, they might better understand, as long as it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities.
• Keep in mind that along with you, your parents might be feeling uneasy about the forthcoming separation. Find ways to spend quality time with your family, when possible. Whether it is shopping with Mom for school, attending events with Dad, celebrating special occasions, or going on a summer vacation--enjoy being together. Believe me, you will miss your family once you leave home.
• If you are feeling unusually emotional or troubled about leaving home, communicate these feelings. Leaving the comforts of home, friends and familiar surroundings is not easy. Whether it is in a private conversation with your parent, relative or best friend, it helps to express your feelings. Almost always, you will be understood and validated.

Freshman Year--Communication with Sensitivity

• Stay in touch with your parents. It is difficult to realize how important it is to our parents that we keep in touch. They may worry too much, that's true, but trust that this is based on love and affection. They have little control over what you do while you're at school, so it won't hurt to take a moment to call and tell them how you are doing. Participate in setting a convenient, agreed-upon time once a week to talk. 
• Understand the possible repercussions of unnecessarily "unloading" problems on your parents. Once you unload your problem on your parents, whether it involves school affairs, relationships, homesickness, or just being unhappy, they will worry about it even more than you do. Whether we like it or not, our parents take on our problems, and it's sometimes difficult for them to let go.

First Visit Home  

• Your first visit home might not be quite what you expected. Anticipate some challenges to the way you behave. You've been away at school for a couple of months. Perhaps you have developed a schedule of sleeping late on weekends and strolling in at sunrise. You can't wait to go home and enjoy the cooking and other comforts of home. Understand that even though your sense of schedule might have changed, your parents might not agree with you that a 5:00 a.m. curfew is reasonable. Sit down and figure out a reasonable time that you can come in that isn't a problem for you and your friends, but definitely one that gets you in before the rooster's yodel.
• Be prepared for some initial awkwardness in home-life when you return. Respect home rules. Your house has been more quiet while you were away, your room, neat. Understand that this is still Mom and Dad's domain; let them know you respect this reality.
  With the right efforts by both parent and child, relationships through the college years can mature into a more open and constructive phase. Patience and open and thoughtful communication can be the keys to developing and maintaining a healthy relationship that will preserve itself as the family walks through the future doorways of life.  

Source: Doors Open from Both Sides by Margo E. Bane Woodacre & Steffany Bane